Ahhh, four letter words!!  What a gift to the spoken & written word.  Sometimes there’s just no substitute for a four letter word . . . no substitute for expression perfectionized !  I’m sure your mind can instantly replay a moment that could be the commercial for why four letter words exist.  This 16 part series takes a look at 16 four letter words that will change your life.   So let’s dive right in . . . Word #4 »

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Word #4: Time

Timing is everything.

Time flies when you’re having fun.  (So True!)

There’s no time like the present.  (Personal Favorite)

It’s been a while since I’ve written . . . isn’t it ironic that the topic is time?  I think time is one of the most fascinating and simultaneously, simple concepts ever.  We often spend our moments remembering the past, being in the present and imagining the future.  But whether we’re remembering, being or imagining, we really only have one point of access to the magic of time.  That point of access is now. 

So the reality is that there’s no time OTHER THAN the present.  Now is the only moment in time we ever have.  When we remember previous nows, experience current nows or imagine future nows, all of that mental aerobics takes place now.  Your life is merely a finite string of nows. 

Being present is our way . . .

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present."

- B. Olatunji

Over the next few moments, hours and days, take a look at your thoughts & words and try to determine when your mind is.  As you become more aware of the thoughts you’re having, see if they fit into any of these three categories and decide if you want to change any of them:

1.  Old Movies
Have you ever wished you could’ve or thought you should’ve or even wondered if you would’ve?  I surely have, too many times to count . . .we all have.  The worst part for me is the dwelling on what might have been.

Whenever I’ve used an ould’ve, I was wishing I had the ability to somehow change what had already happened . . . to somehow live that moment differently.  We both know that’s not possible, but knowing that doesn’t seem to discourage that line of thinking! 

Make no mistake, I’m not talking about reminiscing or fondly remembering . . . it’s those moments when you’re back in time reliving the past and actually imagineering the plot differently. 

Maybe you see yourself having the courage to say something you didn’t say or not do something you actually did.  Either way, it’s a fiction who’s author is regret.  Let it go.  It’s literally not worth your time.

2.  Coming Attractions
I’m not here to discourage the visionary in each of us, but some future thinking can be kinda limiting.  If your thoughts and words often include phrases like “I’ll never”, “I won’t”, “If I ever”, you’re likely spending your nows thinking about the future you want to avoid. 

As an alternative, you could choose to think about something you’d like to create in the future.  This shift will prompt your mind to figure out what it can think and do now to lead you to where you want to go.

3.  Now Playing
Physically we’re always in the now.  Our mind joins the party when our thoughts and words resemble “I am”, “I can” and “today”.  These affirmative phrases are powerful and send a signal to ourselves and the universe that we’re ready to get back on the dance floor.

When people reach the end of their life, they don’t have regrets about not working enough hours each day or not purchasing enough things.  They regret not spending more time with loved ones.  They regret not seeing every moment as the magical gift that it was.  They remember those seemingly ordinary moments . . . the laughter, the love.

When you remember, choose to see truth in all that has happened and be nurtured by those memories that affirm you.  When you imagine, view your future with a smile as if you had a lasso around it and were pulling it closer to you each moment.  As you live in the now, know that each moment visits only briefly and our job is not to discard it . . . it is our privilege to experience it. Stay present my friend! 

"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored."

- Earl Nightingale 
Radio Announcer, Author and Speaker

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Right around this time last year my car was stolen (for the second time in two months) and frankly I wasn’t too sad to see it go.  Don’t get me wrong . . . I was grateful to have reasonably reliable transportation, but I just didn’t like the thing!  I nicknamed it “The Beast” because it seemed to live up to that name in every way:

• The paint job reminded me of this really old pair of black shorts I have . . . they’ve been washed so many times that “black” doesn’t really describe the color any more
• It would burn oil just as fast as gas
• Someone broke the antenna off, so the radio was useless
• It took the term blind spot to a whole new level
• It was so low to the ground that the bottom scraped on potholes
• The driver’s side window would often get stuck . . . really stuck.  I’d have to slam the door (sometimes while driving) or hit it with the side of my fist from inside the car, in just the right spot, to get the thing to come back to life
• Someone shot a hole in it one New Year’s Eve, because . . . well it was New Year’s Eve
• And to top all that off, it’s apparently one of the easiest cars to steal!!!

So after it was stolen this time, my insurance company decided that this “investment” wasn’t working out so well for them and cut me a check.

I proceeded to purchase a Volkswagen and before I knew it, I was seeing the suckers everywhere!  It was crazy, no matter where I went or where I looked, those two consonants were staring right back at me.

So again I ask, what was really happening here?  Why was I suddenly aware of all the VWs on the road?

Sight vs Vision

To make sense of this phenomenon let’s contrast sight & vision and see where it leads us.

Sight, as I understand it, is the simple act of observation . . . i.e. having a visual reaction to what exists around you.    But the sheer act of observing doesn’t guarantee that you’ll actually see everything that’s right in front of you.  For some reason I couldn’t really see Volkswagens before I bought one, even though my eyes were wide open every time I pulled The Beast out of the driveway.  Once my awareness was raised (in this case, forcibly), seeing them became effortless.  The great thing is that we can systematically choose to raise our awareness as opposed to having it randomly forced upon us.

I was recently introduced to a design concept called negative space.  I’ve always had an intuitive sense of this concept, but didn’t fully appreciate it or know what it was called.  Then I read a book discussing the importance of the right side of the brain in the modern economy (“A Whole New Mind”, by Daniel Pink).  Great read by the way.  If you’re not familiar with negative space, here’s a visual aid.  Take a look at the following image:

Obviously we’re looking at the FedEx logo.  Have you ever noticed the “arrow” in their logo?  Hold your mouse over the logo shown below to see it:

If you’re just noticing this for the first time, don’t feel bad.  Someone pointed this out to me years ago and I remember saying, “How did I miss seeing that one?!”  FedEx purposely incorporated this negative space into their logo because it contributes visually to the idea that they’ll quickly get your package to any destination.

It’s amazing what you can see once you’ve become aware that it’s right in front of you.

Let’s move on to Vision. At first glance, it would seem exactly the same as Sight. Medically, I have 20/20 “vision” which means I can “see” very clearly.  The Volkswagens would say: “not so much”.

If we think about Vision in broader terms, Vision is more like a synonym for imagination. It’s a way of previewing what is not yet visible . . . what you might plan for yourself.  This distinction is key because we sometimes let what our awareness regularly sees, shape what we think our life is and will be.

In situations like this, real visioning . . . real imagination, is replaced by persistent thoughts about what is and what was.  This greatly limits our ability to imagine & experience something different & new.

When we hold on to and focus only on what we can currently see, we reinforce that reality in our lives and emotionally plan for its continued existence.

Use your awareness to enhance your ability to see what’s already here.  Then give yourself the time and permission to envision that which you would love to bring into existence.  Stay true to that and you’ll see…

At 91 years of age, J. C. Penney (the founder of the JC Penney department stores) was asked about his health. He replied:

“My eye sight is failing but my vision has never been better.”

- J.C. Penney

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Word #3: Fail

This has quickly become one of my favorite words.  I may be one of the few, but I think this a great word . . .  it just depends on how you look at it.

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter and I were working on her homework and she kinda got stuck in the mud.  She came across a difficult problem (drawing a complex 3 dimensional shape) and became very frustrated when she couldn’t easily do it in her first few attempts.  Her frustration intensified and ultimately became a showstopper.

So I suggested that she take a break and not return to the problem until she felt better.  She pouted a little and quietly sat on the couch.  I began preparing dinner in the kitchen and after a few minutes she returned to the problem, took her time with it and figured it out . . . unprompted and unassisted.

Once I realized that she had “gotten out of the mud” and finished her work, I asked her how she felt.  She said she felt better and remarked that she understood how her frame of mind (positive or negative) affected her ability to think clearly.  I nodded with a smile.

I continued working on dinner and decided this was a great time to start a conversation about the importance of failing.  She was a little confused when the conversation began and frankly I don’t blame her.  Everyday she goes to school and her teachers encourage her to get everything right.  She is rewarded when she’s gotten more correct than her classmates.  Straight A’s on her report card are her indicator that everything is going well.

So why was her dad trying to convince her that failing was somehow a good thing, when so much of what she was learning had her convinced it was so bad?

Here’s what I told her . . . Failing is one of the most important things you can do, because that’s when you’re presented with an opportunity to learn something new.  Moreover, it’s an indicator that you’re actually doing something!  The key is to overcome the fear of making mistakes and focus on not making the same mistakes over and over.

I then encouraged her to get excited about failing and to view each stumble as a faster step towards a better her.

Failing vs Failure

Failing and failure are two pretty popular, seemingly similar forms of the word “fail”.  My understanding suggests that they are quite different however.

Failing is simply not doing something intended or correctly in a given situation.  Since we are imperfect beings, failing is sorta built into our design . . . it’s a characteristic of human existence.  It’s not something to fear or to even experience negatively.  It’s just part of who we are . . . plain and simple.  The only way to not fail is to be dead!

Thomas Edison tried and failed nearly 2,000 times during his work to develop a carbonized cotton thread filament for the incandescent light bulb.  When asked about it he stated that he didn’t fail, he merely discovered 2,000 ways not to make a light bulb.

In my opinion, a person who regularly fails is likely more inner directed than externally so.  They’re less concerned with external opinions, so they’re willing to take chances and falter along the way.

Failure on the other hand is a whole different animal.  It has a certain permanence and is basically when you’ve given up on trying.  Some people mistake their failing at something as being a failure.  Then they decide that rather than risk future failing, they’ll ensure failure by never trying again.  This is often evidenced by thinking or saying the phrase “I can’t” (or one of its cousins like I’m not or I won’t).

Think back to when you were a toddler (I know . . . your memories of that time are a little fuzzy).  There was no shortage of auditory, visual and smellatious information available in environment for you to absorb.

One day, while you were taking it all in, you became more aware then ever that everyone else didn’t get around in the same way that you did.  They were kinda upright, while you were on all fours.  You and I may have never met, but I know for sure what your next thought was:  “I can do that!”

So the process of learning to walk began.  You’d pull yourself up on something and then fall right down.  Then you’d pull yourself up again and fall right down again.  Then you found that you were able to stand for a few seconds before your butt returned to the earth.  Then you progressed to getting a step or two in before your next fall.

We all know how the story ends, but imagine this . . . What if after falling down for the 23rd time you decided “I can’t do that” and quit trying to walk?  Can you ever imagine a baby coming to that conclusion?

Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn’t it?  I’m certain that the toddler version of you thought it was ridiculous too, because there was so much evidence that you could walk.  Everyone else was doing it, so of course you could too!

Unfortunately as adults, we’ve developed the “ability” to ignore or invalidate the evidence that we see all around us and instead, decide that we “can’t”.

Henry Ford once said: Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.

Whether you’re a failure or not is simply a choice.  Embrace all of the evidence that proves you can achieve anything you want and fail as fast as you can along the way!

“Many of life’s failures are people who had not realized how close they were to success when they gave up.”

- Thomas A. Edison
American inventor, scientist and businessman

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An anonymous human being once said:  “If you cannot help worrying, remember that worrying cannot help you either.”

Ya Gotta Love Logic

We humans seem to excel at worrying.  We worry about money, family issues, health, relationships, death, other people’s perceptions & problems, status, politics, world news, climate change, aging, crime, the economy, calories, yadda, yadda, yadda.

We even worry about worrying and as time goes on we get better at it.  Like the saying goes, practice makes permanent.  If worry is something you’re not particularly fond of, try this little deworryfying exercise:

1. Take out a clean sheet of paper and create three columns with the following labels (visual aid below).
   Column 1:  “Worry”
   Column 2:  “Can’t”
   Column 3:  “Can”
2. Now think about all of the things you regularly worry about and list them in the “Worry” column.  Take your time with this step to make sure you list as many as you can think of.
3. Place a check mark in the “Can’t” column if the “Worry” is something you cannot control.
4. Place a check mark in the “Can” column if the “Worry” is something you can control.

Once you’ve completed your list, look over the worries you checked as “Can’t” and ask yourself the following:

• Am I absolutely sure that I cannot control this?
• For real for real?

If, after answering those two questions, you are still confident that the particular worry is one that you cannot control, then leave the check mark where it is.  Otherwise, check the “Can” column instead.  Repeat this process for the other worries you’ve checked as “Can’t”.

Once you’re done, consider this . . . It makes absolutely no sense to worry about these items because you cannot control them.  You even double checked to make sure!  You do not have the ability to change these things and worrying about them places an emotional burden on you that weakens you & obstructs true happiness.  So look at those items again, take a deep breath and let them go.  They’re not your problem so stop convincing yourself that they are.

Phew!

Now that you’ve freed yourself of the burden of that heavy “Can’t” column, let’s take a crack at the “Can” column.

Look over the worries you checked as “Can” and ask yourself the following:

• Am I absolutely sure that I can control this?
• For real for real?

If, after answering those two questions, you are still confident that the particular worry is one that you can control, then leave the check mark where it is.  Otherwise, check the “Can’t” column instead.  Repeat this process for the other worries you’ve checked as “Can”.

It may seem like déjà vu, but again it makes no sense to worry about these items either, because you CAN control them.  You have the ability to change these things instead of choosing to use worry as a substitute for action.

So look at this list and think about how you might lend some action to each of these “Can” items.  Whether they are local to your household, global in nature or somewhere in between, I’m confident that there’s an action you can conceive that will move each of these issues (even if only a little) in a direction you feel good about.

If you’ve stuck with me thus far, you’ve completely reduced your regular list of worries to a pile of ruble!  I hope you feel really good about that!

Future Proof

Now let’s examine some strategies to limit worry’s reach as you move forward.

1.  Stop watching the frickin news!  (Especially local)

There are tons of wonderful and inspiring things that occur everyday on this planet and they won’t likely be brought to you live at 6!  Being inundated with that much consistent negativity shapes your view of the world and ultimately your existence in it.   Most news stories rarely contain content worthy of your dreams and end up being fuel for your nightmares.  Let it go.

2.  Trust Your Instincts

Your gut is one of your best friends.  It’s not swayed by propaganda, suckered in by sales pitches or influenced by hype.  It just knows.  It’s knowing may sometimes send you down a path that you could characterize as difficult or unpleasant, but you’d be hard pressed to find an instance where it led you down the wrong path.  There have been times when I know without a doubt that I ignored my gut.  It’s “thoughts” were there for me to leverage at that critical moment and I went another way.  It knows what it knows and you should trust that.

3.  Leverage Your Strengths

Have you ever taken stock of your strengths and weaknesses or embarked on a quest to be more “well rounded”?  I’m sure you have in one form or another.  Maybe it was when you were planning out how you want to improve over the coming year, or when you took a personality test or even when you were answering that classic strengths/weaknesses interview question.  Either way, you’ve done it.  My suggestion for you is to forget about your weaknesses and focus on your strengths.  Think about the way a good basketball coach approaches winning.  He or she determines who the strongest players are and leans on them to deliver the bulk of the results.  Sure the other 7 guys or gals contribute and have a role to play, but that coach is going to depend on the star players when the game is on the line.  You can approach your strengths & weaknesses in this way too.  It doesn’t mean that you stop learning new things & becoming a new you, you just heavily leverage your strengths on the journey.  Give that some thought and find out what your strengths currently are, because they may be quite different than they were 5 or 10 years ago.  A great tool for discovering your true strengths is the StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath.

So there you have it . . . worry debunked.  Now you can take Bobby McFerrin’s advice and have a smile as big as his!

“In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don’t worry, be happy”

- Bobby McFerrin
Vocalist, conductor & music education spokesperson

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Ahhh, four letter words!!  What a gift to the spoken & written word.  Sometimes there’s just no substitute for a four letter word . . . no substitute for expression perfectionized !  I’m sure your mind can instantly replay a moment that could be the commercial for why four letter words exist.  This 16 part series takes a look at 16 four letter words that will change your life.   So let’s dive right in . . . Word #2 »

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Word #2: Mind

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
“Mind over matter.”
“It’s the thought that counts.”
“Use your brain.”  (Personal favorite)

Those are some of my favorite quotes about the mind.

Did you know that the vast majority of brain development occurs in all humans by the age of three?  Picture this . . . on your third birthday, your brain was at nearly 90% of its maximum physical weight.  Additionally, all of the experiences you had up until that age greatly influenced which parts of your brain were stimulated.  Those experiences were like a Darwinian house keeper, instructing your brain to keep certain neurons and synapses (connections between brain cells), while discarding others.

Now that I’ve got you looking at your infancy in a whole new way, fear not!  No matter how those formative years structured your neural pathways, you still wield great power to leverage that grey bag of water to transform your life.  More on that after this statistical detour . . .

Statistical Detour
Research shows that the average person has around 60,000 thoughts per day.  Wow!!!!  60,000?! If my math is correct (brain don’t fail me now), that’s over 40 thoughts per minute!  That’s mind boggling!

Here’s the good news.  Your brain is kinda like a computer.  Your thoughts (all 60,000 of them) are like the software programs you’ve installed . . . some run on start up while others only run when you tell them too.  Fortunately there’s a pretty simple process you can use to make sure that you’re making the most of this daily heap of mental processing power.

Step 1:  Become Aware

As you attempt to figure out if you’re really having 60,000 thoughts per day, you’ll begin to build awareness of the types of thoughts you’re actually having.  Some focus on your relationships, while others are on financial or health matters.  Some are about your favorite music or TV shows and others about your spiritual connection to source.   Some are a little obsessive, while others only come and visit occasionally.  Whether shallow or deep, intellectual or trivial, good or bad, they keep rolling in.  Just commit to pay attention to this marvelous process and decide to use it for your benefit.

Step 2:  Choose

Now that you’re building an awareness of the different types of thoughts you’re having, choose which ones you want to keep and which ones you’d rather not take along for the ride.  The bottom line is that every thought is a choice . . . even the automagical ones . . . you know, the “programs that run on start-up” as soon as you wake up each day.  Accept that even these habitual thoughts are based on choices you made at some point in your life.  They’ve been placed in rather permanent sections of your mental hard drive.  Now you get to decide if they should still have a place there or if you should uninstall them and make room for new ones.

Step 3:  Habitualize

As you choose the thoughts you would prefer for yourself, turn them into new thought habits.  Many studies indicate that it takes approximately 21 days to make a new habit permanent.  To speed this process along, try this:

1. Write down the thoughts you want to habitualize and read them aloud regularly (several times a day).
2. Phrase them as affirmations to assist your mind in assimilating them, even if they don’t currently appear to be true for you.  For example:  “I feel passionate about my life and this passion fills me with excitement and energy.”

Practice makes permanent.

Revisit this three step process regularly, because change is the only constant in this universe and changing your mind is a good thing.

Remember that your mind is an equally powerful ally or foe . . . your choice.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.  None but ourselves can free our minds.”

- Bob Marley
Jamaican Singer, Songwriter and Musician

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I did some of my growing up in the Chicago area and fortunately for me this coincided with much of the Michael Jordan and Walter Payton eras with the Chicago Bulls and Chicago Bears respectively.  Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player that ever lived (my opinion).  His unbelievable skills, creativity, ability to come through in the clutch and will to win were just unparalleled.

For the non football fan, Walter Payton was the running back of the Chicago bears and set the all time NFL rushing record in his day.  He was quiet excellence embodied.  Walter Payton’s ability to not be easily tackled was astounding.  His determination to take defenders head on and to try for that extra yard at all costs was inspiring.  He wasn’t faster, bigger or stronger than his opponents, just more determined.

As much as I was in awe of those two talented athletes, I can look back now knowing that neither could hold a candle to my two greatest heroes.

Hero Worship . . .

There have been many moments in my life when I’ve been moved to tears.  Folks that graduated high school with me might remember me as the one who turned on the tear faucets once the senior slide show started during our graduation.  I was also chief of waterworks for attendees at my wedding.  There are plenty of other tear filled moments I could list, but only two that I can think of were inspired by pride . . . and both of them were related to fatherhood.

When I was young, my father delivered a speech at a Martin Luther King day celebration at this old historic church in St. Louis, MO.  I was standing on the side of a row of pews, next to this huge column, watching in amazement.  His command of the English language was (and still is) truly magnificent.  His skills of delivery outstanding.  I wanted to yell out to everyone, “THAT’S MY DAD!!!!”.  I was so proud that I started crying.  My dad has always embodied the kind of humanity that I feel changes the world . . . as a father, community member, activist, author, husband, business owner . . . a man.  He’s the reason I always wanted to be a father.

A few years ago, my daughter was taking west African dance.  She started just after turning four years old.  She was grouped with girls in her age group and they practiced and performed as a unit.  After a couple of months of practicing they began performing in public shows.  I used to help her practice her moves at home by banging out the rhythm she danced to on the kitchen table.  I purchased my first djembé to help her practice her moves with a more realistic sound.  At this point in the story, I had seen my daughter perform on several occasions, but one day her performance at a show just brought me to tears.  I was crying so hard, you’d think something terrible had just happened.  I felt so proud, but also in awe of just how alive she was.

My father and daughter are my greatest heroes.

America’s Next Top . . . Role Model

As a parent, I often think about the impact I have on my daughter’s present and future.  I want her to be the best she can be and that desire is not without frustration (mostly with my own abilities as a parent).  The quest to be a better parent and role model has often led me back to my childhood . . . back to memories of mastery.

I’m pretty sure that my father knows he’s my biggest role model.  He’s never said as much, but looking back at the way he parented me is proof enough.

When I was young and it was time for one of those father-son conversations about everyday subjects (big and small) . . . my father never told me what to do nor what not to do.

Instead, he told me who he was and why he chose to approach the topic at hand in the way he did.  He would explain why he didn’t smoke or drink and why he chose to treat all people (especially women) with respect.  He passionately made those beliefs clear, supported them with logic and made his life the example.

So it wasn’t that he merely lived up to the “practice what you preach” mantra; it was so much more than that . . . it was leadership.  He chose to lead, knowing that I (and my siblings) would follow.  What a phenomenal model . . . then and now.

My father and daughter have both taught me so much about life & love!  Thank you.

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

- Clarence Budington Kelland
American Author

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Word #1:  Soul

I know what you’re thinking:  “He didn’t ease into this one!  He came right out the gates with a real whopper!”  You speak (think) the truth.  In my young life, my learning and experiences have led me to believe that spirituality is as diverse a subject as any.  On one hand, an overwhelming percentage of the human population believes in the existence of something greater than ourselves.  On the other hand, that homogeny of belief is a potpourri of perspectives.

We approach and experience spirituality through many lenses, including:

• Religion
• Metaphysics
• Quantum Physics
• Mysticism
• Mythology
• And so many others

Regardless of the lens, a common soul-like concept (though the labels vary) seems to exist.

So, what is a soul?

When I think of the concept “soul”, my mind instantly jumps to a quote I’ve often heard:

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Teilhard de Chardin
French Jesuit & Philosopher

So if this statement from Chardin is true, then my initial question is somewhat flawed, don’t you think?  If’ we’re spiritual beings then our soul is actually a “who”, not a “what”.  Our bodies and all of the material things of this world are the “what”.

Ultimately I believe that the search for spiritual truth is the most personal journey one can embark on.  My only advice to you would be to give it your all and always seek truth.

I accept Chardin’s statement as part of my truth and wish you love & understanding on the journey towards yours!

“You are a little soul carrying around a corpse.”

- Epictetus
Stoic Philosopher

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I think that Happiness is a pretty well discussed topic and frankly an individually definable thing; so there’s probably not much benefit in writing at length about it.  I do think that most (if not all) could agree that it’s an unmistakable feeling and we want more of in our lives. 

Satisfaction on the other hand is a whole different matter. 

What kind of images come to mind when you imagine feeling satisfied?  Maybe it’s that moment right after the last bite of the perfect chocolate chip cookie or it might be that sigh of accomplishment you let out after a job well done.  Or it could be . . . well I won’t go there ;)

What if there’s another side to satisfaction? 

Think about the images that went through your mind earlier.  Did any of them resemble complacency or remind you of a time when fear stopped you from moving in a new direction?  It might seem like I’m coming out of left field right now, so let’s do this:  Why don’t we take a stab at deconstructing satisfaction?

Satisfaction Deconstructed

Ask yourself this:  Is it possible to feel happiness without satisfaction?

Let’s try and figure out if this could be possible. 

The following is a short list of inventions that have transformed modern day society.  What do you think was the common motivation behind each of these historic creations? 

• Airplanes
• Automobiles
• Computers
• Power Tools
• Air Conditioning
• Fiber Optics
• The Cotton Gin
• Television
• Traffic Lights
• The Light Bulb
• Cell Phones
• And on and on and on

While that answer forms in your mind, take a look at this next list.  Form an image in your mind of individuals who’ve overcome these kinds of personal struggles. 

• Poverty
• Abuse
• Addiction
• Discrimination
• Learning Disorders
• Social Conditioning
• Illiteracy

What do you think was the common motivation behind those personal transformations?

When I think of all of the things on both lists, one word comes to mind:  dissatisfaction.  Think about that one for a moment.

You see, all of those inventions and personal transformations only came about because a person’s creativity & determination were inspired by their dissatisfaction with the status quo.  Frankly I’ve never heard of anyone creating anything worthwhile when they were satisfied with what was already present.

Satisfaction is essentially the first cousin of complacency.  It’s a state of rest not growth.

So let’s dig a little deeper into dissatisfaction.  You might think, especially after reading that last list, that dissatisfaction is all about negativity.  I think it depends on how you look at it.

There are many people who don’t like some aspect of their lives.  It may be an individual struggling with poverty, a woman enduring physical & mental abuse from her mate or a laborer who doesn’t like the repetitive inefficiencies of his work.  In all of these cases, these people aren’t necessarily dissatisfied, they’re just unhappy. 

When people are truly dissatisfied, they transition from just feeling unhappy to actually believing they could create a different reality.  Seeing yourself entering the middle class or clear of debt, imagining yourself free of that abusive relationship or envisioning a better way to get the job done . . . In that moment the new possibilities hold a positivity that greatly overshadows any negativity that was there.  That’s when one becomes dissatisfied!

Their dissatisfaction becomes a clarifier, like a contrast knob on an old TV.  It provides a clear contrast between what currently exists in their life and the image of what they would like to bring into reality.  Then they can go about the business of doing it. 

Therefore, dissatisfaction’s focus is overwhelmingly positive. 

When I think of the Wright brothers, Marie Curie, Benjamin Banneker, Eli Whitney, Thomas Edison and scores of other inventors, I can almost feel the optimism, hope and enthusiasm that were born of their dissatisfaction.  I’m sure they experienced, setbacks, frustration and many obstacles in pursuing their achievements, but I am also convinced that their motivation originated in positivity.

So I most definitely believe that you can be happy and not satisfied.  In fact being happily dissatisfied is how I want to live because I know that I’ll achieve and become things I haven’t even imagined.  What I also know is that my dissatisfaction won’t ever preclude my gratitude for all of the things currently in my life. 

Here’s my wish for you:  Recognize and embrace the dissatisfaction in your life.  Use it as a compass for your own creation and you’ll find happiness.   ;-)

"Dissatisfaction is the seed of invention."

- Geuka Amusa 
Writer, Coach & Web Designer

 

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I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s mind boggling to think about how complex some of my relationships have been and are.  Not complex in the Jerry Springer sense; but complex like a big ole emotionally, interdependent omelet with all the fixins . . . generous portions of love, vulnerability, hope, social conditioning, fear, idealism . . . a couple dashes of selfishness and a few scoops of emotional baggage too, just to make sure the recipe has that special somethin’ somethin’! 

Every now and then one of those relationships will prompt my mind to take my heart for a couple few laps on the emotional roller coaster.  Thoughts and emotions are quite the dynamic duo when sharing the same focus! 

Whenever those two jokers bully me into taking a ride, I feel like I’m in a semi-paralyzed state.  It doesn’t seem to matter how busy I am . . . I’m almost always certain to give this beast the time and attention it desires.  I am helplessly taken down the stream of emotional consciousness, even if the memories have blurred a little or the intensity of the feelings has started to fade.

The crazy thing is that this phenomenon isn’t just limited to romantic relationships.  A wise man once told me that family drama is the most dramatic kind there is.  Amen to that!

Sometimes those emotories (i.e emotionally charged memories) can be overwhelming and make you wish you could go back to “that place” or relive “that moment”.  Come on now, you know what I’m talking about!  You imagine being back in that situation, back in that moment and yet some how be a slightly different version of yourself.  Maybe things might have turned out differently if you could have said this or done that.  Or maybe you just want to put all your ingredients in the omelet again and give it another go.

Either way, you can never really “go back”.  Even if you recreate the situation or revisit the relationship, no one involved can be who they were.  What you would experience now (whether good or bad) can only be “what it is” and never again “what it was”.  This truth shouldn’t be viewed as a deterrent, just something else to consider and sprinkle on the omelet should you decide to go all in, again.

I digress . . .

Get off the Ride Already!

Unlike regular roller coasters, emotional ones don’t seem to have as much structure.  When you go to an amusement park seeking a thrill, you look around and pick out the roller coaster you want to ride.  Then you wait in line and watch intently as you inch towards the front.  This gives you plenty of time to scope out the ups and downs . . . to prepare yourself for that spiraling loop or the big drop.  You check out the body language of the people getting off.  You’re nervous, excited and wondering if hitting that buffet on the way over was such a good idea.  But all in all you know how it’s going to go and how long it’s going to last. 

Emotional roller coasters aren’t quite so tidy.  There’s no line, so you might get bum rushed and be on one in a moment’s notice.  Once you’re on, there’s no telling how long you’ll be there or how many loops, drops, twists and turns there’ll be. 

So if you want to get off the sucker, give this method a try:

Focus on something you’re passionate about. . . something that challenges and regenerates you as it frees your mind from the paralysis.  Then engage in a process that provides understanding.

For me, the tandem that fits the bill:  golf and writing. 

I’ve played and excelled at a lot of sports in my life, but Golf is the most challenging by far.  Like life, it is a unique experience every time.  In order to play my best, I have to maintain a level of mental focus that makes it difficult for me to think of anything else.  When I achieve this state, it’s almost meditative.  However, I find that golf isn’t a long term solution to bringing the roller coaster to a halt, especially when it’s raging hard and fast.  That’s where writing comes in.

Writing helps me come at things from another angle altogether and compliments the temporary relief that golf offers.  Golf provides me with the space and opportunity to stop obsessing about things . . . in essence giving me something more enjoyable to obsess about.  Writing on the other hand, helps me understand things so that I don’t have to obsess about them any longer.  When I write (especially about emotional subjects), I find that I achieve a clarity that “thinking/remembering” just doesn’t offer. 

Keep in mind (no pun intended) that these emotories can be pretty disorienting because honestly, the mind isn’t the best playback device.  It’s more like a TiVo with unlimited storage that would work great if only someone hadn’t spilled water on it.  It’ll skip all around the movie, playing stuff in the most random order!  It’ll play some parts backwards or queue up scenes that couldn’t possibly go together.  It’ll play other parts over and over with the volume way up and then leave out a bunch of really important scenes altogether.  If anyone else were watching the “You Movie” they’d be confused as hell and have a headache once it was all over! 

Writing helps me piece together this jumbled up blob of ideas, memories, facts and emotions into something sensible.  It helps me expand upon concepts and then reflect upon and refine that expansion.  If offers me two-dimensional order and sequence that my 3-D “TiVo on the fritz” can’t seem to manage.

So what tools do you leverage?  What are the “emergency roller coaster brakes” in your bag of tricks? 

If you don’t have a “go to” show stopper, consider trying some of the following:  meditation/prayer, yoga, painting, golf, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, poker . . . hell, I don’t know?!  Just keep trying new things until you find something that clears the fog and leaves you with peace of mind.  Here’s a tip, make sure it’s something you enjoy! 

The goal isn’t to avoid emotional roller coasters (or the relationships that inspire & fuel them), but rather to have a mechanism to get off the damn thing when you’re good & ready and to be a better you at the end of the ride!

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."

- Fritz Perls
German Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

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Occasionally I spend quality time on a web site, that a friend shared with me, called Intent.com.  The concept is pretty simple . . . people can freely join the web site to post their intentions and be encouraged by other members of the site as they hold those intentions throughout the days and weeks. 

I occasionally post my own intentions, but more often than not, spend time reading the intentions of others as a source of inspiration and to broaden my thinking about the intentions I have for my life.  I came across an intention the other day that literally stopped me in my tracks.  A woman wrote, and I quote:

My Intent is [to] accept the anger i feel over my daughter’s death, then let it go.

WOW!  I just had to sit there with that one for a while.  It weighed heavily on my heart because, as a parent of a daughter, I felt that I could imagine what she must be going through.  In reality, what I imagined I would feel, wouldn’t likely hold a candle to what I might actually feel if I were really in that situation nor to what this mother is actually feeling now.  I was stunned nonetheless.

When I got over the emotional shock and thought more about her intention, I realized that there was a very deep power within her words.  As I read it over and over again, I noticed that the word that stood out more than any other was “accept”. 

This is a rather extreme example of the surprises life can bring our way, but I believe that whether we feel good or bad about the surprises, our job is to accept that they are.  In other words, to accept that the surprises are part of our experience.

Get Stingy with Acceptance!

I know what you’re thinking . . . “Hello . . . McFly, didn’t you just tell me that my job is to be more accepting?  Then why are you telling me now (as in 3 seconds later) that I should get stingy with acceptance?!” 

Great observation, but let me explain.

I’m a big advocate for living a life based on appreciation, generosity and abundance.  I believe that giving is the essence of love, so don’t let the heading for this section make you frown for too long.  Stinginess is not an enlightened way of being, but we do need to be careful that we’re not accepting just any ole thing. 

As we wrestle with accepting what is, we must develop awareness of our propensity to sometimes accept what isn’t.  In my life, there have been periods when I’ve wrongly accepted what isn’t and incorporated those thoughts, feelings and beliefs into my being. 

When I was a child, I accepted that having an African name was somehow not a good thing, because many of the other kids often made fun of it. 

When I was married, I accepted that the way my wife chose to express her love to me was inadequate because it didn’t align perfectly with how I wanted to receive it.

When we’re in those crucial moments, reconciling what we think, feel and experience, how can we better determine if something is or isn’t? 

Look at the phrases accept what is and accept what isn’t.  What’s the implied word that would complete each statement?  Here’s a hint, it’s one of those really good four letter words.  The word is . . . TRUE.

If truth is what we’re ultimately seeking, then we need to realize that we actually have a choice.  We have the ability to choose to accept what is over what isn’t . . . to choose to see truth in our lives instead of accepting the falsehoods we’ve been conditioned to believe.

Those falsehoods can be mighty convincing though, so try this exercise to help you see them for what they are.  Whenever you feel yourself struggling with a new thought, feeling or belief (or if you want to examine existing ones), simply ask yourself the following:

“Is it true?” 

Be honest with yourself and take your time with it.  If you can’t know for sure that what you think, feel or believe is true, you may have discovered the root of your struggle and can then decide whether or not it’s worth holding on to it.

By questioning what we think, feel and believe we can shift our approach to this world to one where our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are based on truth instead of our truths being based on our thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

It wasn’t true that my name was a bad thing or even something that I actually felt bad about.  What was true was that, like most kids, I wanted to fit in.  Today I marvel at and appreciate the thought that went into naming me.  The meaning that my name carries has become a large part of my identity, simultaneously reinforcing my uniqueness and my connection to my ancestry.  My name is one of my favorite things about me!

It also wasn’t true that my former wife’s love was inadequate or in any way less than complete.  What was true was that we both loved each other to the best of our ability in every moment.  Today I understand that my job is not to judge someone else’s expression, but to accept & appreciate all of the love I receive and love myself with reckless abandon!

So live your life!  Seek truth in all you do and accept that life is a helluva dynamic ride!!  Truth be with you.

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true."

- Soren Kierkegaard
Danish Philosopher and Theologian

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