[Photo Credit]

I did some of my growing up in the Chicago area and fortunately for me this coincided with much of the Michael Jordan and Walter Payton eras with the Chicago Bulls and Chicago Bears respectively.  Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player that ever lived (my opinion).  His unbelievable skills, creativity, ability to come through in the clutch and will to win were just unparalleled.

For the non football fan, Walter Payton was the running back of the Chicago bears and set the all time NFL rushing record in his day.  He was quiet excellence embodied.  Walter Payton’s ability to not be easily tackled was astounding.  His determination to take defenders head on and to try for that extra yard at all costs was inspiring.  He wasn’t faster, bigger or stronger than his opponents, just more determined.

As much as I was in awe of those two talented athletes, I can look back now knowing that neither could hold a candle to my two greatest heroes.

Hero Worship . . .

There have been many moments in my life when I’ve been moved to tears.  Folks that graduated high school with me might remember me as the one who turned on the tear faucets once the senior slide show started during our graduation.  I was also chief of waterworks for attendees at my wedding.  There are plenty of other tear filled moments I could list, but only two that I can think of were inspired by pride . . . and both of them were related to fatherhood.

When I was young, my father delivered a speech at a Martin Luther King day celebration at this old historic church in St. Louis, MO.  I was standing on the side of a row of pews, next to this huge column, watching in amazement.  His command of the English language was (and still is) truly magnificent.  His skills of delivery outstanding.  I wanted to yell out to everyone, “THAT’S MY DAD!!!!”.  I was so proud that I started crying.  My dad has always embodied the kind of humanity that I feel changes the world . . . as a father, community member, activist, author, husband, business owner . . . a man.  He’s the reason I always wanted to be a father.

A few years ago, my daughter was taking west African dance.  She started just after turning four years old.  She was grouped with girls in her age group and they practiced and performed as a unit.  After a couple of months of practicing they began performing in public shows.  I used to help her practice her moves at home by banging out the rhythm she danced to on the kitchen table.  I purchased my first djembé to help her practice her moves with a more realistic sound.  At this point in the story, I had seen my daughter perform on several occasions, but one day her performance at a show just brought me to tears.  I was crying so hard, you’d think something terrible had just happened.  I felt so proud, but also in awe of just how alive she was.

My father and daughter are my greatest heroes.

America’s Next Top . . . Role Model

As a parent, I often think about the impact I have on my daughter’s present and future.  I want her to be the best she can be and that desire is not without frustration (mostly with my own abilities as a parent).  The quest to be a better parent and role model has often led me back to my childhood . . . back to memories of mastery.

I’m pretty sure that my father knows he’s my biggest role model.  He’s never said as much, but looking back at the way he parented me is proof enough.

When I was young and it was time for one of those father-son conversations about everyday subjects (big and small) . . . my father never told me what to do nor what not to do.

Instead, he told me who he was and why he chose to approach the topic at hand in the way he did.  He would explain why he didn’t smoke or drink and why he chose to treat all people (especially women) with respect.  He passionately made those beliefs clear, supported them with logic and made his life the example.

So it wasn’t that he merely lived up to the “practice what you preach” mantra; it was so much more than that . . . it was leadership.  He chose to lead, knowing that I (and my siblings) would follow.  What a phenomenal model . . . then and now.

My father and daughter have both taught me so much about life & love!  Thank you.

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

- Clarence Budington Kelland
American Author

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So with all of that emotional fuel out there, how many of you endeavor to control your emotions?  Seems like the right thing to do, doesn’t it?  Here’s my take on it.

[Photo Credit]

Control

I’m a parent of an eight year old girl that is wise beyond her years.  She’s a wonderful individual and one of the most incredible people I’ve ever known.  She’s giftedly intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, artistic, strategic, really funny (a big requirement for me) . . . a real joy & honor to parent.

In recent years, I have recognized that there have been moments in my parenting when I’ve allowed my frustration (with something she’s doing or the way she’s behaving) to really get the best of me.  The frustration would usually lead me to communicate or relate to her in a way that I would regret once I had time to reflect on the moment.

Sometimes I would get frustrated with her lack of confidence in a situation.  Other times it might be with her willingness to give up when something challenged her to grow or think beyond her comfort zone.  And then there were those times when she’d actually act her age instead of seeming like this old, wise spirit who had been here before.

So I began to recognize that I had some unspoken expectations of her and when she didn’t live up to them, I would get frustrated.  Then I tried to control those reactions of frustration and had some success with that approach.  As time went on, I still found myself struggling with this.  She’d do or say something and my frustration control mechanism would crap out.  Why was I still getting frustrated?!  I was aware of my unspoken expectations.  I devised a decent plan to stunt the behavior.  So why wasn’t it working?  What was I doing wrong?

Understanding

I was aware, but I hadn’t gained a complete understanding of why I was frustrated.  In gaining understanding of your emotions through awareness you achieve a level of control that is a positive side effect, not the original intention. 

When most people try to control their emotions, they first start with identifying those emotions that they deem to be bad.  The good news here is that recognition of those emotions is a good thing.  The bad news is that people often follow the medical model of diagnosis . . . treat the symptoms instead of discovering & solving the real problem.

For example, you might decide that "I want to stop my anger in professional situations" or that you want to "stop being so afraid of public speaking".  You could then devise mechanisms to halt the anger or fear when you feel it arising and therefore limit its impact in those situations.  You could be really successful with this approach, even over long periods of time.  The challenge here is that other stressors or life changes might undo the newly formed habit and reduce the amount of control you may have. 

Now you have this new frothy layer of frustration to add to the original feeling.  You spent all that mental, emotional and physical energy trying to limit the impact of the frustration, only to wind up back where you started with little to show for it.

An alternative to controlling this anger/frustration is to leverage your awareness  and ultimately grow to understand its origins.  You may come to realize that a certain fear or experience is at the root of that anger and once you make peace with it, you have a level of "effortless control" over that emotion.  Not one based on limiting it, but rather understanding there’s no longer a need for it.

In my own emotional struggle as a parent, I stayed mentally present and finally came to understand a few things.  I spent a lot of time reflecting; I really beat myself up (not really recommending that) and dug really deep to find the real cause of my frustration & anger.

It turned out that I was angry with me . . . angry with me not living up to my own expectations as a parent and as a human.  I just projected that anger to my daughter when her behavior reminded me of something I didn’t like in myself.  Getting to that place of understanding (not sure if you ever really arrive) wasn’t easy.  It took time, honesty, dedication and a loving stance of self forgiveness.

Now that I’m equipped with this understanding, I am confident that I can be a more loving and nurturing parent who is raising a child to be the best she can be; not one shackled by her dad’s emotional baggage.

Like I said before, that’s my take on emotional intelligence.  I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences with this part of life.

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

- James Arthur Ray
Creator of Harmonic Wealth®

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