In today’s society there are far too many examples of emotions gone wild. No, I’m not talking about some video of buxom coeds you can buy off late night TV. I mean, true real life emotions gone terribly wrong: People yelling at each other in traffic, reality TV, shoppers trampling each other so little Jimmy can get that new toy on the cheap, domestic violence, leaders waging wars . . . I could go on and on here.
So with all of that emotional fuel out there, how many of you endeavor to control your emotions? Seems like the right thing to do, doesn’t it? Here’s my take on it.
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Control
I’m a parent of an eight year old girl that is wise beyond her years. She’s a wonderful individual and one of the most incredible people I’ve ever known. She’s giftedly intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, artistic, strategic, really funny (a big requirement for me) . . . a real joy & honor to parent.
In recent years, I have recognized that there have been moments in my parenting when I’ve allowed my frustration (with something she’s doing or the way she’s behaving) to really get the best of me. The frustration would usually lead me to communicate or relate to her in a way that I would regret once I had time to reflect on the moment.
Sometimes I would get frustrated with her lack of confidence in a situation. Other times it might be with her willingness to give up when something challenged her to grow or think beyond her comfort zone. And then there were those times when she’d actually act her age instead of seeming like this old, wise spirit who had been here before.
So I began to recognize that I had some unspoken expectations of her and when she didn’t live up to them, I would get frustrated. Then I tried to control those reactions of frustration and had some success with that approach. As time went on, I still found myself struggling with this. She’d do or say something and my frustration control mechanism would crap out. Why was I still getting frustrated?! I was aware of my unspoken expectations. I devised a decent plan to stunt the behavior. So why wasn’t it working? What was I doing wrong?
Understanding
I was aware, but I hadn’t gained a complete understanding of why I was frustrated. In gaining understanding of your emotions through awareness you achieve a level of control that is a positive side effect, not the original intention.
When most people try to control their emotions, they first start with identifying those emotions that they deem to be bad. The good news here is that recognition of those emotions is a good thing. The bad news is that people often follow the medical model of diagnosis . . . treat the symptoms instead of discovering & solving the real problem.
For example, you might decide that "I want to stop my anger in professional situations" or that you want to "stop being so afraid of public speaking". You could then devise mechanisms to halt the anger or fear when you feel it arising and therefore limit its impact in those situations. You could be really successful with this approach, even over long periods of time. The challenge here is that other stressors or life changes might undo the newly formed habit and reduce the amount of control you may have.
Now you have this new frothy layer of frustration to add to the original feeling. You spent all that mental, emotional and physical energy trying to limit the impact of the frustration, only to wind up back where you started with little to show for it.
An alternative to controlling this anger/frustration is to leverage your awareness and ultimately grow to understand its origins. You may come to realize that a certain fear or experience is at the root of that anger and once you make peace with it, you have a level of "effortless control" over that emotion. Not one based on limiting it, but rather understanding there’s no longer a need for it.
In my own emotional struggle as a parent, I stayed mentally present and finally came to understand a few things. I spent a lot of time reflecting; I really beat myself up (not really recommending that) and dug really deep to find the real cause of my frustration & anger.
It turned out that I was angry with me . . . angry with me not living up to my own expectations as a parent and as a human. I just projected that anger to my daughter when her behavior reminded me of something I didn’t like in myself. Getting to that place of understanding (not sure if you ever really arrive) wasn’t easy. It took time, honesty, dedication and a loving stance of self forgiveness.
Now that I’m equipped with this understanding, I am confident that I can be a more loving and nurturing parent who is raising a child to be the best she can be; not one shackled by her dad’s emotional baggage.
Like I said before, that’s my take on emotional intelligence. I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences with this part of life.
"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."
- James Arthur Ray
Creator of Harmonic Wealth®
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You have shown real wisdom in this article. Whether or not every parent who is unhappy with their child’s behavior is really expressing dissatisfaction with themselves is beside the point. You discovered what was true for you and to paraphrase the existentialist philosophers the universal was discovered in the particular. A parallel to this can be found in many of the other high volume interactions to which you alluded. Some of the fiercest philosophical and political debates that have occurred in history were not between people with polar opposite positions. If someone is to my way of thinking completely unlike me I will more than likely dismiss our differences as irrelevant or unimportant. It is the person that is closer to me in reasoning or temperament that can raise my frustrations. I may feel that they are close to perfection if they would just recognize the truth of which I speak or that they are so clearly salvageable as a human being if they would just quit being so dense. It is easy to be patient with the woman I date, harder to be patient with the woman I marry because now I have invested everything in her -not just my better angels but all of my baggage too. I get angry with people with whom I have an emotional stake -whether I recognize that or not. In my profession I work with lots of people. Over the years I have on occasion been accused of being stubborn or opinionated. I am more than sure that there was truth in these accusations. But what I often discovered was that the people who made these charges, often in the heat of an emotional meeting, were people who themselves could be described as strong willed. At the risk of over simplifying, we often argue with ourselves or with traits we do not like in ourselves that we have projected on to others. I too could go on and on about this subject but now I have a question for the author and for the other bloggers. On the one hand my ability to let go and not be king of the universe will certainly lead to a healthier perspective on how I am doing in the world and how others are doing -with lots of grace thrown in. On the other hand my motivation to achieve some degree of excellence at the tasks I take on in life is directly related to my passion and zeal. How do I let go of certain emotional attachments without losing my passion. In other words, Geuka, one of the reasons you are a good parent who is helping to shape such an exceptional human being is that you have strong passions and desires for being a good parent. In the larger world of politics, diplomacy and the market place battle of ideas how does one cling to principles that one believes are right and true without letting frustration over things not working out drive one into behavior that is not constructive, degenerating into shouting matches, coercision or even war? Even in academia I have found that those teachers who keep everything academic in the name of a cool objectivity are sometimes very poor teachers. It is the teacher who has passion who projects that “something important” is at stake in the argument that often moves the student to take words seriously. I would love to hear how people balance this question.
Thank you for the kind words. You have raised some really interesting questions that could take this topic to new levels. I too am interested in hearing how people might let go of emotional attachments without losing their passion . . . quite the paradox! Smells like a follow up post!!
This was a wonderful article and very interesting to read how a man feels. I feel that some men and women as well keep emotions trapped and that makes for explosive situations. I like the emotional baggage reference, because whether we admit it, a lot of us have that. I too have felt my anger or frustration has been laid on the steps of my 17 year old.I think as parents, we sometime forget we are human and make mistakes.Our children are wise beyond years and we are trying to catchup. Through conversation and the willingness to share our feelings, then who knows, we may learn something new. Just be honest with your emotions and listen….
Charlese, you are the first to comment on the challenges many men have processing and communicating emotions. I really hadn’t thought of it that way, but it’s so true. Personally I’ve struggled with this most of my life and this blog gives me a real opportunity to explore things and learn from others. Great comment!!
Geuka – great post and honest acknowledgment of the mirror that our children can sometimes be! What we see isn’t always terribly appealing! I think that raising awareness to our thoughts and emotions most certainly aids managing them and detaching ourselves from them in a certain sense. When you become less attached to the emotion you can see it for what it is, how it arises and what causes it. I have found that meditation is a fantastic way to raise awareness of our thought patterns. I love that you highlight forgiving yourself – what a great first step to moving past the problems and being a better parent for your daughter!
Thank you Hilary for the great comment! Meditation is such a powerful tool to raise one’s awareness and be free of the modern day mental mania. When we practice it we can see things from a new perspective, tap into new insights and create the positivity we want in our lives. What a fantastic reminder!
Being a father to my daughter has been and continues to be the biggest growth & learning experience of my life. Thank you again for sharing!