So with all of that emotional fuel out there, how many of you endeavor to control your emotions?  Seems like the right thing to do, doesn’t it?  Here’s my take on it.

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Control

I’m a parent of an eight year old girl that is wise beyond her years.  She’s a wonderful individual and one of the most incredible people I’ve ever known.  She’s giftedly intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, artistic, strategic, really funny (a big requirement for me) . . . a real joy & honor to parent.

In recent years, I have recognized that there have been moments in my parenting when I’ve allowed my frustration (with something she’s doing or the way she’s behaving) to really get the best of me.  The frustration would usually lead me to communicate or relate to her in a way that I would regret once I had time to reflect on the moment.

Sometimes I would get frustrated with her lack of confidence in a situation.  Other times it might be with her willingness to give up when something challenged her to grow or think beyond her comfort zone.  And then there were those times when she’d actually act her age instead of seeming like this old, wise spirit who had been here before.

So I began to recognize that I had some unspoken expectations of her and when she didn’t live up to them, I would get frustrated.  Then I tried to control those reactions of frustration and had some success with that approach.  As time went on, I still found myself struggling with this.  She’d do or say something and my frustration control mechanism would crap out.  Why was I still getting frustrated?!  I was aware of my unspoken expectations.  I devised a decent plan to stunt the behavior.  So why wasn’t it working?  What was I doing wrong?

Understanding

I was aware, but I hadn’t gained a complete understanding of why I was frustrated.  In gaining understanding of your emotions through awareness you achieve a level of control that is a positive side effect, not the original intention. 

When most people try to control their emotions, they first start with identifying those emotions that they deem to be bad.  The good news here is that recognition of those emotions is a good thing.  The bad news is that people often follow the medical model of diagnosis . . . treat the symptoms instead of discovering & solving the real problem.

For example, you might decide that "I want to stop my anger in professional situations" or that you want to "stop being so afraid of public speaking".  You could then devise mechanisms to halt the anger or fear when you feel it arising and therefore limit its impact in those situations.  You could be really successful with this approach, even over long periods of time.  The challenge here is that other stressors or life changes might undo the newly formed habit and reduce the amount of control you may have. 

Now you have this new frothy layer of frustration to add to the original feeling.  You spent all that mental, emotional and physical energy trying to limit the impact of the frustration, only to wind up back where you started with little to show for it.

An alternative to controlling this anger/frustration is to leverage your awareness  and ultimately grow to understand its origins.  You may come to realize that a certain fear or experience is at the root of that anger and once you make peace with it, you have a level of "effortless control" over that emotion.  Not one based on limiting it, but rather understanding there’s no longer a need for it.

In my own emotional struggle as a parent, I stayed mentally present and finally came to understand a few things.  I spent a lot of time reflecting; I really beat myself up (not really recommending that) and dug really deep to find the real cause of my frustration & anger.

It turned out that I was angry with me . . . angry with me not living up to my own expectations as a parent and as a human.  I just projected that anger to my daughter when her behavior reminded me of something I didn’t like in myself.  Getting to that place of understanding (not sure if you ever really arrive) wasn’t easy.  It took time, honesty, dedication and a loving stance of self forgiveness.

Now that I’m equipped with this understanding, I am confident that I can be a more loving and nurturing parent who is raising a child to be the best she can be; not one shackled by her dad’s emotional baggage.

Like I said before, that’s my take on emotional intelligence.  I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences with this part of life.

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

- James Arthur Ray
Creator of Harmonic Wealth®

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