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I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s mind boggling to think about how complex some of my relationships have been and are.  Not complex in the Jerry Springer sense; but complex like a big ole emotionally, interdependent omelet with all the fixins . . . generous portions of love, vulnerability, hope, social conditioning, fear, idealism . . . a couple dashes of selfishness and a few scoops of emotional baggage too, just to make sure the recipe has that special somethin’ somethin’! 

Every now and then one of those relationships will prompt my mind to take my heart for a couple few laps on the emotional roller coaster.  Thoughts and emotions are quite the dynamic duo when sharing the same focus! 

Whenever those two jokers bully me into taking a ride, I feel like I’m in a semi-paralyzed state.  It doesn’t seem to matter how busy I am . . . I’m almost always certain to give this beast the time and attention it desires.  I am helplessly taken down the stream of emotional consciousness, even if the memories have blurred a little or the intensity of the feelings has started to fade.

The crazy thing is that this phenomenon isn’t just limited to romantic relationships.  A wise man once told me that family drama is the most dramatic kind there is.  Amen to that!

Sometimes those emotories (i.e emotionally charged memories) can be overwhelming and make you wish you could go back to “that place” or relive “that moment”.  Come on now, you know what I’m talking about!  You imagine being back in that situation, back in that moment and yet some how be a slightly different version of yourself.  Maybe things might have turned out differently if you could have said this or done that.  Or maybe you just want to put all your ingredients in the omelet again and give it another go.

Either way, you can never really “go back”.  Even if you recreate the situation or revisit the relationship, no one involved can be who they were.  What you would experience now (whether good or bad) can only be “what it is” and never again “what it was”.  This truth shouldn’t be viewed as a deterrent, just something else to consider and sprinkle on the omelet should you decide to go all in, again.

I digress . . .

Get off the Ride Already!

Unlike regular roller coasters, emotional ones don’t seem to have as much structure.  When you go to an amusement park seeking a thrill, you look around and pick out the roller coaster you want to ride.  Then you wait in line and watch intently as you inch towards the front.  This gives you plenty of time to scope out the ups and downs . . . to prepare yourself for that spiraling loop or the big drop.  You check out the body language of the people getting off.  You’re nervous, excited and wondering if hitting that buffet on the way over was such a good idea.  But all in all you know how it’s going to go and how long it’s going to last. 

Emotional roller coasters aren’t quite so tidy.  There’s no line, so you might get bum rushed and be on one in a moment’s notice.  Once you’re on, there’s no telling how long you’ll be there or how many loops, drops, twists and turns there’ll be. 

So if you want to get off the sucker, give this method a try:

Focus on something you’re passionate about. . . something that challenges and regenerates you as it frees your mind from the paralysis.  Then engage in a process that provides understanding.

For me, the tandem that fits the bill:  golf and writing. 

I’ve played and excelled at a lot of sports in my life, but Golf is the most challenging by far.  Like life, it is a unique experience every time.  In order to play my best, I have to maintain a level of mental focus that makes it difficult for me to think of anything else.  When I achieve this state, it’s almost meditative.  However, I find that golf isn’t a long term solution to bringing the roller coaster to a halt, especially when it’s raging hard and fast.  That’s where writing comes in.

Writing helps me come at things from another angle altogether and compliments the temporary relief that golf offers.  Golf provides me with the space and opportunity to stop obsessing about things . . . in essence giving me something more enjoyable to obsess about.  Writing on the other hand, helps me understand things so that I don’t have to obsess about them any longer.  When I write (especially about emotional subjects), I find that I achieve a clarity that “thinking/remembering” just doesn’t offer. 

Keep in mind (no pun intended) that these emotories can be pretty disorienting because honestly, the mind isn’t the best playback device.  It’s more like a TiVo with unlimited storage that would work great if only someone hadn’t spilled water on it.  It’ll skip all around the movie, playing stuff in the most random order!  It’ll play some parts backwards or queue up scenes that couldn’t possibly go together.  It’ll play other parts over and over with the volume way up and then leave out a bunch of really important scenes altogether.  If anyone else were watching the “You Movie” they’d be confused as hell and have a headache once it was all over! 

Writing helps me piece together this jumbled up blob of ideas, memories, facts and emotions into something sensible.  It helps me expand upon concepts and then reflect upon and refine that expansion.  If offers me two-dimensional order and sequence that my 3-D “TiVo on the fritz” can’t seem to manage.

So what tools do you leverage?  What are the “emergency roller coaster brakes” in your bag of tricks? 

If you don’t have a “go to” show stopper, consider trying some of the following:  meditation/prayer, yoga, painting, golf, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, poker . . . hell, I don’t know?!  Just keep trying new things until you find something that clears the fog and leaves you with peace of mind.  Here’s a tip, make sure it’s something you enjoy! 

The goal isn’t to avoid emotional roller coasters (or the relationships that inspire & fuel them), but rather to have a mechanism to get off the damn thing when you’re good & ready and to be a better you at the end of the ride!

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."

- Fritz Perls
German Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

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So with all of that emotional fuel out there, how many of you endeavor to control your emotions?  Seems like the right thing to do, doesn’t it?  Here’s my take on it.

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Control

I’m a parent of an eight year old girl that is wise beyond her years.  She’s a wonderful individual and one of the most incredible people I’ve ever known.  She’s giftedly intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, artistic, strategic, really funny (a big requirement for me) . . . a real joy & honor to parent.

In recent years, I have recognized that there have been moments in my parenting when I’ve allowed my frustration (with something she’s doing or the way she’s behaving) to really get the best of me.  The frustration would usually lead me to communicate or relate to her in a way that I would regret once I had time to reflect on the moment.

Sometimes I would get frustrated with her lack of confidence in a situation.  Other times it might be with her willingness to give up when something challenged her to grow or think beyond her comfort zone.  And then there were those times when she’d actually act her age instead of seeming like this old, wise spirit who had been here before.

So I began to recognize that I had some unspoken expectations of her and when she didn’t live up to them, I would get frustrated.  Then I tried to control those reactions of frustration and had some success with that approach.  As time went on, I still found myself struggling with this.  She’d do or say something and my frustration control mechanism would crap out.  Why was I still getting frustrated?!  I was aware of my unspoken expectations.  I devised a decent plan to stunt the behavior.  So why wasn’t it working?  What was I doing wrong?

Understanding

I was aware, but I hadn’t gained a complete understanding of why I was frustrated.  In gaining understanding of your emotions through awareness you achieve a level of control that is a positive side effect, not the original intention. 

When most people try to control their emotions, they first start with identifying those emotions that they deem to be bad.  The good news here is that recognition of those emotions is a good thing.  The bad news is that people often follow the medical model of diagnosis . . . treat the symptoms instead of discovering & solving the real problem.

For example, you might decide that "I want to stop my anger in professional situations" or that you want to "stop being so afraid of public speaking".  You could then devise mechanisms to halt the anger or fear when you feel it arising and therefore limit its impact in those situations.  You could be really successful with this approach, even over long periods of time.  The challenge here is that other stressors or life changes might undo the newly formed habit and reduce the amount of control you may have. 

Now you have this new frothy layer of frustration to add to the original feeling.  You spent all that mental, emotional and physical energy trying to limit the impact of the frustration, only to wind up back where you started with little to show for it.

An alternative to controlling this anger/frustration is to leverage your awareness  and ultimately grow to understand its origins.  You may come to realize that a certain fear or experience is at the root of that anger and once you make peace with it, you have a level of "effortless control" over that emotion.  Not one based on limiting it, but rather understanding there’s no longer a need for it.

In my own emotional struggle as a parent, I stayed mentally present and finally came to understand a few things.  I spent a lot of time reflecting; I really beat myself up (not really recommending that) and dug really deep to find the real cause of my frustration & anger.

It turned out that I was angry with me . . . angry with me not living up to my own expectations as a parent and as a human.  I just projected that anger to my daughter when her behavior reminded me of something I didn’t like in myself.  Getting to that place of understanding (not sure if you ever really arrive) wasn’t easy.  It took time, honesty, dedication and a loving stance of self forgiveness.

Now that I’m equipped with this understanding, I am confident that I can be a more loving and nurturing parent who is raising a child to be the best she can be; not one shackled by her dad’s emotional baggage.

Like I said before, that’s my take on emotional intelligence.  I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences with this part of life.

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

- James Arthur Ray
Creator of Harmonic Wealth®

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