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I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s mind boggling to think about how complex some of my relationships have been and are.  Not complex in the Jerry Springer sense; but complex like a big ole emotionally, interdependent omelet with all the fixins . . . generous portions of love, vulnerability, hope, social conditioning, fear, idealism . . . a couple dashes of selfishness and a few scoops of emotional baggage too, just to make sure the recipe has that special somethin’ somethin’! 

Every now and then one of those relationships will prompt my mind to take my heart for a couple few laps on the emotional roller coaster.  Thoughts and emotions are quite the dynamic duo when sharing the same focus! 

Whenever those two jokers bully me into taking a ride, I feel like I’m in a semi-paralyzed state.  It doesn’t seem to matter how busy I am . . . I’m almost always certain to give this beast the time and attention it desires.  I am helplessly taken down the stream of emotional consciousness, even if the memories have blurred a little or the intensity of the feelings has started to fade.

The crazy thing is that this phenomenon isn’t just limited to romantic relationships.  A wise man once told me that family drama is the most dramatic kind there is.  Amen to that!

Sometimes those emotories (i.e emotionally charged memories) can be overwhelming and make you wish you could go back to “that place” or relive “that moment”.  Come on now, you know what I’m talking about!  You imagine being back in that situation, back in that moment and yet some how be a slightly different version of yourself.  Maybe things might have turned out differently if you could have said this or done that.  Or maybe you just want to put all your ingredients in the omelet again and give it another go.

Either way, you can never really “go back”.  Even if you recreate the situation or revisit the relationship, no one involved can be who they were.  What you would experience now (whether good or bad) can only be “what it is” and never again “what it was”.  This truth shouldn’t be viewed as a deterrent, just something else to consider and sprinkle on the omelet should you decide to go all in, again.

I digress . . .

Get off the Ride Already!

Unlike regular roller coasters, emotional ones don’t seem to have as much structure.  When you go to an amusement park seeking a thrill, you look around and pick out the roller coaster you want to ride.  Then you wait in line and watch intently as you inch towards the front.  This gives you plenty of time to scope out the ups and downs . . . to prepare yourself for that spiraling loop or the big drop.  You check out the body language of the people getting off.  You’re nervous, excited and wondering if hitting that buffet on the way over was such a good idea.  But all in all you know how it’s going to go and how long it’s going to last. 

Emotional roller coasters aren’t quite so tidy.  There’s no line, so you might get bum rushed and be on one in a moment’s notice.  Once you’re on, there’s no telling how long you’ll be there or how many loops, drops, twists and turns there’ll be. 

So if you want to get off the sucker, give this method a try:

Focus on something you’re passionate about. . . something that challenges and regenerates you as it frees your mind from the paralysis.  Then engage in a process that provides understanding.

For me, the tandem that fits the bill:  golf and writing. 

I’ve played and excelled at a lot of sports in my life, but Golf is the most challenging by far.  Like life, it is a unique experience every time.  In order to play my best, I have to maintain a level of mental focus that makes it difficult for me to think of anything else.  When I achieve this state, it’s almost meditative.  However, I find that golf isn’t a long term solution to bringing the roller coaster to a halt, especially when it’s raging hard and fast.  That’s where writing comes in.

Writing helps me come at things from another angle altogether and compliments the temporary relief that golf offers.  Golf provides me with the space and opportunity to stop obsessing about things . . . in essence giving me something more enjoyable to obsess about.  Writing on the other hand, helps me understand things so that I don’t have to obsess about them any longer.  When I write (especially about emotional subjects), I find that I achieve a clarity that “thinking/remembering” just doesn’t offer. 

Keep in mind (no pun intended) that these emotories can be pretty disorienting because honestly, the mind isn’t the best playback device.  It’s more like a TiVo with unlimited storage that would work great if only someone hadn’t spilled water on it.  It’ll skip all around the movie, playing stuff in the most random order!  It’ll play some parts backwards or queue up scenes that couldn’t possibly go together.  It’ll play other parts over and over with the volume way up and then leave out a bunch of really important scenes altogether.  If anyone else were watching the “You Movie” they’d be confused as hell and have a headache once it was all over! 

Writing helps me piece together this jumbled up blob of ideas, memories, facts and emotions into something sensible.  It helps me expand upon concepts and then reflect upon and refine that expansion.  If offers me two-dimensional order and sequence that my 3-D “TiVo on the fritz” can’t seem to manage.

So what tools do you leverage?  What are the “emergency roller coaster brakes” in your bag of tricks? 

If you don’t have a “go to” show stopper, consider trying some of the following:  meditation/prayer, yoga, painting, golf, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, poker . . . hell, I don’t know?!  Just keep trying new things until you find something that clears the fog and leaves you with peace of mind.  Here’s a tip, make sure it’s something you enjoy! 

The goal isn’t to avoid emotional roller coasters (or the relationships that inspire & fuel them), but rather to have a mechanism to get off the damn thing when you’re good & ready and to be a better you at the end of the ride!

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."

- Fritz Perls
German Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

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Here’s my take on it.  I believe that a major contributor to the demise of loving relationships is the demise of loving relationships.  I know, you’re like HUH???  Let me explain. 

Throughout my life I have observed and experienced a truism:  people often learn by modeling what they see.  Think back to when you were a child.  You watched your parents, siblings, other family members and friends with a keen eye:  observing speech patterns, posture, gestures, manners, good/bad habits, interpersonal skills . . . all kinds of stuff!  As you developed and matured, you incorporated many of the things you observed into your own persona, some aspects more dominant than others.  Those experiences and relationships helped shape who you are and how you interact with people.

I developed much of my world view from conversations with my dad, learned how to cook & give really good hugs from my mom (trust me, some don’t possess the true hugging skills!) and ultimately learned how to share with others from interactions with siblings and friends.

So what does all of this have to do with loving relationships?  It seems to me that many people simply aren’t exposed to enough examples of relationships that are loving.  I’m referring to relationships of all kinds here:  parental, familial, romantic, plutonic, etc. 

Think about it, we love mimicking what we see.  So it goes to reason that if what we observe in the relationships in our lives doesn’t quite measure up as “loving”, then there’s a good chance we’ll develop some proficiency in those less than loving ways of being.

Think about the following:

• There are more & more children growing up in single parent homes
• Domestic violence is at an all time high
• Child abuse and neglect is rising at tragic rates
• Divorces are commonplace in today’s families

The info above could easily provoke a streak of pessimism in the best of us, especially since these stats only speak to issues that occur in our immediate family environments and not to the many examples of negative human relations we observe in greater society. 

So how can we be expected to excel at loving relationships when we just don’t see them?  What’s worse is that the above stats show that we’re not just dealing with the growing absence of loving relationships, we’re also dealing with the presence of more and more non loving ones.  What do we do?

Start Within

Remember that song “Let There Be Peace on Earth”?  Part of one verse goes like this: 

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. . .

Imagine if each person on this earth were at peace with and truly loved themselves.  Hell, I’d even settle for half!  How might the world be different?  How might our relationships be different?  What would we have created in place of:  war, famine, abuse, torture, neglect, hatred, bigotry, genocide, racism, and on and on?  What might we create in place of these obvious indicators of our state of sub-love?   Wouldn’t that be a marvelous picture?

It’s hard to imagine how we can get from where we are to where we want to be, but I know where one might start.  Love yourself!  Do this with the wholeheartedness and voracity you display when you eat your favorite food or when you do something you really love!  Love who you are!  Forgive the mistakes you’ve made!  Embrace all of the wonderfully imperfect and unique qualities you possess!  Getting there is the first step in breaking the cycle.

Breaking the Cycle . . . Give

I truly believe that giving is the essence of love and essential to breaking this cycle of demise.  I looked up the word “give” in Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary and there were a surprising number of definitions.  Some were kinda interesting.  My definition of giving is this:

Give:  To make available unconditionally

I didn’t see a definition quite like that, but that’s what comes to mind when I think of giving.  That unconditional part is the real differentiator for me.  Without that it’s not giving, it’s an investment; and investors always expect a return. 

Here’s the trouble . . . most people are in investor mode unknowingly because they haven’t quite mastered loving themselves first.  Therefore their acts of giving are a kin to deficit spending . . . they give from a posture of need; expecting something in return even if they don’t realize it.

Giving isn’t about getting anything in return.  It’s about offering what you have because you possess it in abundance.  Giving should leave you with a feeling that you’ve spent nothing.  You might actually feel like you’ve gained something even though you approached the situation without that expectation.

To break the cycle, we need to love ourselves, be more giving to others and ultimately create more loving relationships.  We must be the love we want to see in this world.

"If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great amount of things that you lack. If you don’t have it, nothing else will matter."

- Leo Buscaglia
Professor, Author and Lecturer

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Society bombards us with so many conflicting messages like be skinny, super size your value meal and take this drug for this problem so that you can introduce these side effects into your life.  So how can we seriously focus on health with all of the distractions and misinformation?  Kind of confusing isn’t it?

This article takes an in depth look at ten things you can do to tilt the healthiness scale in your favor.

1. Do Something That Regularly Raises Your Heart Rate

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According to the American Heart Association, lack of regular exercise is one of the leading risk factors for heart disease.  Why is this important to note?  Well, according to the CDC (that bastion of happiness we talked about in the beginning), heart disease is the number one cause of death in the United States and in many countries around the world. If the stats on that web site don’t knock you on your butt, nothing will.

So what can we do to prevent heart disease?  One good choice is to get your heart rate up on a regular basis! Getting angry at work may get your heart rate up (more likely your blood pressure), but that’s not what I had in mind.  Same goes for that yelling at other cars in traffic thing.  Face it, they can’t hear you!!

Instead, get your heart rate up by adopting an exercise routine.  I know what you’re thinking, "I’ve tried this and I’ve tried that and nothing worked for me".  I can appreciate that . . . I’ve tried a couple of programs in the past that didn’t produce the outcomes I was looking for, but honestly, I was the problem.

I’d see a great infomercial and maybe even read some online reviews to convince myself that this product was going be the one that worked for me.  In the end, I failed because I simply didn’t commit to succeeding.

So to be sure that your journey to better health is successful, here are a few strategies that may be of use:

• Set Realistic Goals
  Be specific about what you want to accomplish and break it up into manageable pieces.  Give yourself some "easy" goals to accomplish immediately.  This is low hanging fruit.  Once you accomplish these items, you can use that confidence to tackle increasingly more challenging goals.
• Customize
  Make sure that the exercise routine you choose is a fit for your personality and interests.  You may be the loner type who can stay motivated working out at home alone.  You might be the type that requires social interaction and would therefore likely thrive in a class setting.  Or maybe you like engaging in activities (i.e. playing sports, hiking, etc), more than structured exercise.  Either way invest some time in devising a plan that will really work for you.
• Pace Yourself
  Integrate lifestyle changes in a moderate fashion.  That way you’ll be able to maintain the behavior once the initial emotional boost of starting down a new path fades.  If you can habitualize  the changes in a progressive manner, you’re going to be able to do them automagically .

Just do it already! 

2. Laugh Out Loud (LOL) As Often As You Can

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"Laughter is the best medicine".  Not too hard to argue with this one, just make sure you go all the way with it.  Don’t half step!  One thing I know for sure is that all of the people that are important in my life have a few things in common, one of which is the ability to make me laugh.  Turns out, this is like a major requirement!  I require laughter and the more it hurts the better!  If you can’t make me laugh, you’re honestly of little use.

I was at a comedy show a few years ago (The Original Kings of Comedy) and there were times when I was literally crying and couldn’t breathe.  Cedric the Entertainer almost made me piss on myself.  That’s what I’m talking about!  Lose your inhibitions already and just let it all out!  You’ll be glad you did.  Apparently happy people live longer anyway.  Who knew?!

3. Be Grateful

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So let me ask you something . . . are you grateful?  I mean really grateful?  I’m not talking about the momentary "oh that’s so sad" feeling you get when one of those Feed The Children commercials comes on.  I’m talking real gratitude.  Here’s the test:  Is gratitude part of your everyday life?  Honestly, is it?

I used to think gratitude was something you showed when someone gave you something or when someone older than you reminded you of how much more fortunate you were compared to those people or those kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe it’s important to show thanks, but real gratitude is an ongoing appreciation for all that is good in your life.  It’s even an appreciation for the negative things in your life, because there’s likely a lesson there for you.

"The warrior has no greater joy than to walk a path with a heart. On this path he walks, thrilled by the wonder of it all, and in his joy he gives thanks in his heart for this marvelous privilege by embracing everything he encounters with love and gratitude."

— Carlos Castaneda
Author and Shaman Philosopher

Having an attitude of gratitude opens the floodgates for the entry of more things for you to be grateful for.

4. Drink Better (and more) Water

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I could easily spark a debate here between those in the tap water camp vs. those who prefer bottled water.  Bottom line is that our bodies are 70% water so it behooves us to suck down the best stuff we can get our hands on.  I’m not saying you should go buy Evian or Voss or some other overpriced flask of H2O, but make sure that whatever you’re doing is a choice.

If you’re a tap water fan in the U.S., it might be helpful to know how your city ranks nationally for tap water quality (Provided by SustainLane.com).  On that site, you can also learn about how your city ranks in other statistical categories that directly impact your quality of life, like:  air quality, traffic congestion, adoption of green technologies, affordable housing and numerous other stats.

Regardless of your city’s ranking, there are many affordable filtration systems that can increase your tap water’s quality even more.  If you’re serious about filtration, you may want to also invest in shower head filters or whole house filtration systems.  After all, physically drinking water isn’t the only way it gets into our system.

If bottled water is your thing, know that not all bottled water is created equal.  Many brands push the same water coming out of your tap, they just wrap it in some pretty marketing.  You can’t drink marketing, but you can sure as hell pay for it.  Coca Cola’s Dasani and Pepsi’s Aquafina brands are two prime examples of effective tap water marketing in action.

So is bottled water pure or just pure hype?  Here’s some food water for thought.

The choice is yours . . . drink better water!

5. Eat Better Food

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Every once and I while, I’ll be in the midst of a conversation with one of my best friends (who was my roommate in college), and we’ll marvel at the crazy things we used to do.  One such thing was eating Big Macs . . . three or four of them in one sitting.  We used to walk down to the McDonalds Express and eagerly take advantage of their 99 cent special, thinking that somehow we were getting a deal.  We’d wolf down four at a time and not gain an ounce.

I don’t know how we did it.  I mean, I understand why we didn’t gain weight . . . we were young and had fantastic metabolisms!  But how the hell did we eat so much?  What I do know is that eating too much food is something I still struggle with today.  Now there are all kinds of programs (like Weight Watchers) that attempt to combat the buffet mentality that plagues the United States.  Unfortunately, the reason this is such a struggle, especially for a growing number of youth, is that it’s just not a fair fight.

It turns out that many food companies add food additives that increase appetite and have addictive properties (among other nefarious characteristics).  These additives, many of which are known as excitotoxins, are in most of the food and drinks sold at fast food restaurants and in grocery stores today.  Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), which makes everything taste better and Aspartame, the no calorie, doesn’t my Diet Coke taste good sweetener, are two of the worst offenders.

So what do we do?  Well like in most things, we can’t just talk about quantity, we have to also shift our focus to quality.  One way to increase the quality of our food is to decrease our intake of prepackaged foods, especially those that contain MSG or any of its aliases.  Another strategy is to consume meats, fruits, vegetables and grains that are in their natural, unprocessed state.

Organic foods are grown without the use of pesticides and brought to market without the addition of harmful food additives.  Organic meats are raised without hormones & other growth accelerants and usually slaughtered in a humane way.  These are foods in their most whole, nutrient rich form.  Organic foods are more widely available in the marketplace than ever.

Eat to live . . . don’t live to eat.

6. Take Care of Your Skin

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If you do a search on Google related to skin care, you’re bound to land on an article that discusses skin types (dry, oily, combo, sensitive, normal, etc.).  You’ll read about the benefits of sunscreen, exfoliation and moisturizing.  All good stuff I’m sure, but my take on the subject is a little different.  Plus I’m a guy so I’m sure my perspective is a little different anyway.

Here’s what I know . . . your skin is your body’s largest organ.  It’s our first line of defense, preventing many of the infectious things floating in the air from wreaking havoc on our bodies.  On the other hand, when things do come in direct contact, it becomes a primary entry point for substances to interact with your various systems.  So take special care with what you put on your skin.  You’d be amazed at the toxicity of chemicals commonly used in every day personal care products.

Check this web site to see if the products you use have any known carcinogens (you know, cancer causing agents).  The site is really a wonderful resource.  It groups personal care products into the following categories:

• Makeup
• Skin Care
• Hair Care
• Eye Care
• Nail Care
• Baby Care
• Oral Care
• Fragrance

Then it gives each product in its database a rating based on how the ingredients in each product are linked to:

• Cancer
• Developmental/reproductive toxicity
• Violations, restrictions & warnings
• Allergies/immunotoxicity
• Other concerns

I personally use a lot of natural products.  Over the years I’ve been able to replace all the toxic products I used to use with natural alternatives.  Deodorant, lotion, soap, shampoo, toothpaste . . . everything.  Then I took it a step further by investing in household cleaners (laundry detergent, dishwashing liquid, general cleaners, etc.) made of natural substances.  The good news is that these days, there are so many choices.  I am fortunate to live in a city with several health food stores (Whole Foods being the big dawg).

Listen to your momma . . . Mother Nature in this case!

7. Meditate

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There’s all kinds of content out there that’ll teach you to meditate.  There are different methodologies/strategies as well as enough books, videos and audio programs on the subject to fill a library.

The real question is why should we meditate?  The answer is simple . . . we need it now more than ever!  Think about the moment you are in right now.  You are smack dead in the middle of the information age.  You’re sitting at a computer, spending time on the internet, reading this article.  I can see your whole setup . . . you have like twenty tabs open in three browser windows, with a couple of ebooks on the side, new email message notifications popping up and a couple of friends IMing you, like right now!  Plus there’s the Facebook updates, the YouTube video playing on the second screen, Tweets and your favorite playlist jammin’ in the background.  Oh and did I mention the 300 channels worth of stuff your basic cable subscription has given you access to?  OK, so maybe that was more confessional than prophetic, but you get the idea.

This is an unprecedented time in history.  We have access to more information than we can quantify.  Much like the stream of consciousness, we start in one place online and who knows where we’ll end up.  You can call this the clickstream of consciousness and it’ll take you to new & amazing places everyday.

So this is good right?  More information, more knowledge, greater access to a diverse array of stuff?  Right?  It is good, but we can’t let it dominate us.  It’s kind of like a child who’s eaten too much candy and washed it down with some chocolate cupcakes and a half gallon of "fruit" juice.  That sugar high is gonna be murder on the parents.  Good luck getting them to wind down for bed.

Meditation provides us with a break from the information high we find ourselves constantly on.  Our brain is like a big ole grey info-crack addict.  Meditation is like a peaceful detox.  We need that quiet space to reduce stress, refocus on what we want and increase our awareness.

"Enlightenment is meditation plus compassion."

— The Buddha
Spiritual Teacher and Founder of Buddhism

Peace be with you!

8. Have More Sex

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Let’s face it, sex is everywhere in our society these days.  In movies, tv shows, advertising, on the web . . . emanating from the wall that separates you from that couple in the apartment next to you.  You can’t escape it!  But really, why would we want to?

Now I’m sure there’s some health benefit to the big smile on your face when you’re all done having sex; turns out there are some, err . . . better documented health benefits.  The bottom line is that we’re designed for it and the physical and chemical effects rejuvenate us.  Thanks to the folks at WebMD, here are a few of the many wonderful benefits:

• Sex Relieves Stress
  One of the biggest health related benefits of regular sex is a reduction in blood pressure and stress levels.
• Sex Boosts Immunity
  Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA. This antibody helps protect you from getting colds and other infections.
• Sex Burns Calories
  Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up. A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories. This is about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. Muscular contractions during intercourse work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck and thorax. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles.
• Sex Increases Blood Flow
  When we are aroused our blood starts pumps at a quicker rate and, thus, blood flow to our brain increases. The fresh supply of blood pumping through your body provides the organs with a healthy dose of oxygen and rids the body of old and wasteful products.
• Sex Keeps You Young
  Sex keeps you looking and feeling younger. Research alco indicates that sex may lead to shiny hair, a glowing complexion and bright eyes. This is because sex increases the youth-promoting hormone DHEA.
• Sex Improves Intimacy
  Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you’re feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.
• Sex Reduces Pain
  As levels of the hormone oxytocin increases, endorphins increase, and pain declines. In women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS.

  Source:  WebMD

Now I wouldn’t be doing my civic duty if I didn’t express the necessity for you to protect yourself.  So do your duty and have more sex . . . just make sure you do it safely!

9. Love More

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Human beings are an emotional bunch.  We experience a wide array of emotions and find ourselves in all kinds of emotional states and situations.  My car was stolen recently and I think I might have discovered a couple of new emotions during that process.  C’est la vie.

Even though emotions are incredibly complex, here’s a simple lens we can use to think about them a little differently.  Let’s declare that all positive emotion is rooted in love and all negative emotion in fear (more on that later).

Now I know you might not really buy that, but let’s just pretend anyway.  See if you can trace all the positive feelings you have about someone or something, to love.  Go ahead, try it.

How’d it turn out?  I bet you could reduce every positive feeling you have about whatever, to love.  It’s a beautiful common denominator isn’t it?  So how do we love more?

To really answer that, we have to better understand what love is.  At its most basic essence, love is giving.  Giving our support, attention, friendship, affection, energy, time, money, passion. . . everything.  To love more, we must be more giving.  In doing so we fill our lives with relationships and interactions that are more loving to us.

Now take it to the next level.  Do you really love the things you spend your time doing?  Probably a mixed bag, huh?  Some things yes, some things not so much.

Now let’s turn it inward.  Do you love yourself?  Do you give to you?

If we can improve and increase our love for ourselves, our love for others and our love in all we do, our lives will be profoundly impacted.

10. Don’t Be Afraid

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We are socialized to be fearful.  We get it from our friends & families, from the media, from our failures . . . everywhere.  Then before you know it, your mind kicks in, keeps the ball rolling and your life becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Fear is one of the most insidious obstacles to a healthy life.  Our fear manifests itself in many different forms.  We often talk ourselves out of trying something new or convince ourselves that pursuing a particular course of action isn’t worth it, because we are afraid.

"Do the thing that you are afraid to do, and the death of fear is certain."

— Whitney Young
American Civil Rights Leader

In many cases, we talk ourselves out of being ourselves.  We adopt someone else’s views, behaviors and hangups and then spend our lives wondering who the hell we are!  The greatest gift you can give to this world is the truest, most authentic you.

Otherwise you’re on a road that leads to regret, pain and numerous other negative emotions.  When we associate these emotions with our existence, we reinforce their presence in our lives.  It’s pretty sad, but none of us are immune.

What we can do is raise our awareness and really try to get to the root of the fear.  We experience anger, jealousy, hate, anxiety, doubt, self pity, apathy and many other fear based emotions all the time.  If we can accept that fear is at the root of all of these feelings, then we have some clues for what to do next.

We have to be honest with ourselves to determine which fear these emotions are based on.  I’ve been digging for emotional gold for much of this year and have uncovered a couple of nuggets.  It’s not an easy process and I don’t ever expect to finish, but once you’ve had an "ahh hah" moment, you feel like that load of bricks you carry on your shoulders is a couple bricks lighter.

This year I’ve discovered some childhood events that previously seemed harmless (when casually flipping through pages in the book of memory), were actually deeply impacting my present day relationships & emotional abilities.

When you experience breakthroughs like this, it’s important not to look at those past experiences for the purpose of placing blame on ourselves or others, but rather with the eagerness and focus you would use if you were working on a new 1000 piece puzzle.  You’d take your time, look for patterns, get lucky a few times,  step away from it regularly, but ultimately feel a sense of accomplishment once you were all done . . . knowing that you had solved something and it would no longer challenge you.

When we limit fear’s reach, our outlook on this world is greatly broadened and our possibilities unlimited!

To Your Health!

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