[Photo Credit]

I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s mind boggling to think about how complex some of my relationships have been and are.  Not complex in the Jerry Springer sense; but complex like a big ole emotionally, interdependent omelet with all the fixins . . . generous portions of love, vulnerability, hope, social conditioning, fear, idealism . . . a couple dashes of selfishness and a few scoops of emotional baggage too, just to make sure the recipe has that special somethin’ somethin’! 

Every now and then one of those relationships will prompt my mind to take my heart for a couple few laps on the emotional roller coaster.  Thoughts and emotions are quite the dynamic duo when sharing the same focus! 

Whenever those two jokers bully me into taking a ride, I feel like I’m in a semi-paralyzed state.  It doesn’t seem to matter how busy I am . . . I’m almost always certain to give this beast the time and attention it desires.  I am helplessly taken down the stream of emotional consciousness, even if the memories have blurred a little or the intensity of the feelings has started to fade.

The crazy thing is that this phenomenon isn’t just limited to romantic relationships.  A wise man once told me that family drama is the most dramatic kind there is.  Amen to that!

Sometimes those emotories (i.e emotionally charged memories) can be overwhelming and make you wish you could go back to “that place” or relive “that moment”.  Come on now, you know what I’m talking about!  You imagine being back in that situation, back in that moment and yet some how be a slightly different version of yourself.  Maybe things might have turned out differently if you could have said this or done that.  Or maybe you just want to put all your ingredients in the omelet again and give it another go.

Either way, you can never really “go back”.  Even if you recreate the situation or revisit the relationship, no one involved can be who they were.  What you would experience now (whether good or bad) can only be “what it is” and never again “what it was”.  This truth shouldn’t be viewed as a deterrent, just something else to consider and sprinkle on the omelet should you decide to go all in, again.

I digress . . .

Get off the Ride Already!

Unlike regular roller coasters, emotional ones don’t seem to have as much structure.  When you go to an amusement park seeking a thrill, you look around and pick out the roller coaster you want to ride.  Then you wait in line and watch intently as you inch towards the front.  This gives you plenty of time to scope out the ups and downs . . . to prepare yourself for that spiraling loop or the big drop.  You check out the body language of the people getting off.  You’re nervous, excited and wondering if hitting that buffet on the way over was such a good idea.  But all in all you know how it’s going to go and how long it’s going to last. 

Emotional roller coasters aren’t quite so tidy.  There’s no line, so you might get bum rushed and be on one in a moment’s notice.  Once you’re on, there’s no telling how long you’ll be there or how many loops, drops, twists and turns there’ll be. 

So if you want to get off the sucker, give this method a try:

Focus on something you’re passionate about. . . something that challenges and regenerates you as it frees your mind from the paralysis.  Then engage in a process that provides understanding.

For me, the tandem that fits the bill:  golf and writing. 

I’ve played and excelled at a lot of sports in my life, but Golf is the most challenging by far.  Like life, it is a unique experience every time.  In order to play my best, I have to maintain a level of mental focus that makes it difficult for me to think of anything else.  When I achieve this state, it’s almost meditative.  However, I find that golf isn’t a long term solution to bringing the roller coaster to a halt, especially when it’s raging hard and fast.  That’s where writing comes in.

Writing helps me come at things from another angle altogether and compliments the temporary relief that golf offers.  Golf provides me with the space and opportunity to stop obsessing about things . . . in essence giving me something more enjoyable to obsess about.  Writing on the other hand, helps me understand things so that I don’t have to obsess about them any longer.  When I write (especially about emotional subjects), I find that I achieve a clarity that “thinking/remembering” just doesn’t offer. 

Keep in mind (no pun intended) that these emotories can be pretty disorienting because honestly, the mind isn’t the best playback device.  It’s more like a TiVo with unlimited storage that would work great if only someone hadn’t spilled water on it.  It’ll skip all around the movie, playing stuff in the most random order!  It’ll play some parts backwards or queue up scenes that couldn’t possibly go together.  It’ll play other parts over and over with the volume way up and then leave out a bunch of really important scenes altogether.  If anyone else were watching the “You Movie” they’d be confused as hell and have a headache once it was all over! 

Writing helps me piece together this jumbled up blob of ideas, memories, facts and emotions into something sensible.  It helps me expand upon concepts and then reflect upon and refine that expansion.  If offers me two-dimensional order and sequence that my 3-D “TiVo on the fritz” can’t seem to manage.

So what tools do you leverage?  What are the “emergency roller coaster brakes” in your bag of tricks? 

If you don’t have a “go to” show stopper, consider trying some of the following:  meditation/prayer, yoga, painting, golf, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, poker . . . hell, I don’t know?!  Just keep trying new things until you find something that clears the fog and leaves you with peace of mind.  Here’s a tip, make sure it’s something you enjoy! 

The goal isn’t to avoid emotional roller coasters (or the relationships that inspire & fuel them), but rather to have a mechanism to get off the damn thing when you’re good & ready and to be a better you at the end of the ride!

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."

- Fritz Perls
German Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

Related posts:

1. Emotional Intelligence: Control vs Understanding In today's society there are far too many examples of...
2. What’s Love Got To Do With It?! In a word, EVERYTHING!!!! If you don’t think love is...
3. Success Comes From Within What does success mean? Is it one of those subjective...

[Photo Credit]

Here’s my take on it.  I believe that a major contributor to the demise of loving relationships is the demise of loving relationships.  I know, you’re like HUH???  Let me explain. 

Throughout my life I have observed and experienced a truism:  people often learn by modeling what they see.  Think back to when you were a child.  You watched your parents, siblings, other family members and friends with a keen eye:  observing speech patterns, posture, gestures, manners, good/bad habits, interpersonal skills . . . all kinds of stuff!  As you developed and matured, you incorporated many of the things you observed into your own persona, some aspects more dominant than others.  Those experiences and relationships helped shape who you are and how you interact with people.

I developed much of my world view from conversations with my dad, learned how to cook & give really good hugs from my mom (trust me, some don’t possess the true hugging skills!) and ultimately learned how to share with others from interactions with siblings and friends.

So what does all of this have to do with loving relationships?  It seems to me that many people simply aren’t exposed to enough examples of relationships that are loving.  I’m referring to relationships of all kinds here:  parental, familial, romantic, plutonic, etc. 

Think about it, we love mimicking what we see.  So it goes to reason that if what we observe in the relationships in our lives doesn’t quite measure up as “loving”, then there’s a good chance we’ll develop some proficiency in those less than loving ways of being.

Think about the following:

• There are more & more children growing up in single parent homes
• Domestic violence is at an all time high
• Child abuse and neglect is rising at tragic rates
• Divorces are commonplace in today’s families

The info above could easily provoke a streak of pessimism in the best of us, especially since these stats only speak to issues that occur in our immediate family environments and not to the many examples of negative human relations we observe in greater society. 

So how can we be expected to excel at loving relationships when we just don’t see them?  What’s worse is that the above stats show that we’re not just dealing with the growing absence of loving relationships, we’re also dealing with the presence of more and more non loving ones.  What do we do?

Start Within

Remember that song “Let There Be Peace on Earth”?  Part of one verse goes like this: 

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. . .

Imagine if each person on this earth were at peace with and truly loved themselves.  Hell, I’d even settle for half!  How might the world be different?  How might our relationships be different?  What would we have created in place of:  war, famine, abuse, torture, neglect, hatred, bigotry, genocide, racism, and on and on?  What might we create in place of these obvious indicators of our state of sub-love?   Wouldn’t that be a marvelous picture?

It’s hard to imagine how we can get from where we are to where we want to be, but I know where one might start.  Love yourself!  Do this with the wholeheartedness and voracity you display when you eat your favorite food or when you do something you really love!  Love who you are!  Forgive the mistakes you’ve made!  Embrace all of the wonderfully imperfect and unique qualities you possess!  Getting there is the first step in breaking the cycle.

Breaking the Cycle . . . Give

I truly believe that giving is the essence of love and essential to breaking this cycle of demise.  I looked up the word “give” in Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary and there were a surprising number of definitions.  Some were kinda interesting.  My definition of giving is this:

Give:  To make available unconditionally

I didn’t see a definition quite like that, but that’s what comes to mind when I think of giving.  That unconditional part is the real differentiator for me.  Without that it’s not giving, it’s an investment; and investors always expect a return. 

Here’s the trouble . . . most people are in investor mode unknowingly because they haven’t quite mastered loving themselves first.  Therefore their acts of giving are a kin to deficit spending . . . they give from a posture of need; expecting something in return even if they don’t realize it.

Giving isn’t about getting anything in return.  It’s about offering what you have because you possess it in abundance.  Giving should leave you with a feeling that you’ve spent nothing.  You might actually feel like you’ve gained something even though you approached the situation without that expectation.

To break the cycle, we need to love ourselves, be more giving to others and ultimately create more loving relationships.  We must be the love we want to see in this world.

"If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great amount of things that you lack. If you don’t have it, nothing else will matter."

- Leo Buscaglia
Professor, Author and Lecturer

Related posts:

1. It’s Not You, It’s… Have you ever had someone end a relationship with that...
2. The Emotional Roller Coaster: Hold on Tight!!! Love is one of the most beautiful things one can...
3. 16 Four Letter Words That’ll Change Your Life! Word #1 Ahhh, four letter words!! What a gift to the spoken...

[Photo Credit]

Let’s face it, sometimes relationships don’t work because there are some differences that cannot be resolved.

• Different values related to key relationship issues (monogamy, marriage, parenting, etc.)
• Different values related to key world issues (politics, justice, race, etc.)
• Different values related to key household issues (finances, cleaning, lifestyle, etc.)
• Or it’s some weird combination of all three. 

But sometimes, relationships don’t work out, simply because that cliché is true.  If you dig a little deeper you may find that in some scenarios, the phrase might read best as, “It’s not you, it’s youth”. 

It wouldn’t be news to anyone if I told you that there were some 30, 40 & 50 year old children runnin’ loose all over the planet.  I’m not trying to judge any one, but there’s plenty of evidence that maturity and age don’t travel on synchronous, parallel tracks.  I’ve met immature people all across the age spectrum.

Sometimes that inner adolescent in all of us, grabs a hold of the decision making reigns and interesting things happen.  I certainly can recall ending a couple of relationships in ways that still make me cringe!  I’ll spare you the details to protect the innocent!

So if you’ve heard those fateful words, don’t fret!  Live your life and know that the only opinion of you that truly matters is your own.

"Opinions are the cheapest commodities on earth."

- Napoleon Hill
American Author

Related posts:

1. What’s Love Got To Do With It?! In a word, EVERYTHING!!!! If you don’t think love is...
2. Grey Matters: Stop Salivating!! Have you ever looked back at your reaction to something...
3. Crowded Isolation Picture this scene . . . You’re at a table...

I’ve always thought of myself as a good listener, but recently decided to reexamine the question for myself.

[Photo Credit]

So what makes a good listener?  Is it the process of waiting quietly until it’s your turn to talk?  Is it the ability to recall with detail what was listened to?  Is it the ability to piece together many bits over time to show a broader comprehension?  Is it all of these or is it something else entirely?

I can’t say with certainty that listening is any one of these more than the other.  I do feel that it’s an art and a very active and intelligent process.  Let me share a couple of recent experiences that really helped refine this for me.

Enter the Listener

I recently had a series of conversations with a friend going through a tough emotional time.  She was really struggling with a couple of serious personal situations and really needed a friendly ear.  The series of conversations took place over a couple weeks and during each conversation, I would "listen" and offer my advice and reactions to what she said.  Most of what I said was kind of repetitive, ultimately boiling down to this bit of advice:  "Focus on you.  Don’t let the way someone else treats you determine your self worth."

Now all in all, I felt this was pretty good advice.  It was affirming to her and seemed appropriate.  But, had I approached this situation in the right way?  Is there really a "right" way?  I felt like I listened well and shared the best of what I had to offer, but despite that positive feeling, my thoughts drifted back a year or so when I had an entirely different experience with another friend.  Thinking of that previous encounter led me to question whether or not I had done a good job listening in this more recent situation.

The two experiences were like opposite sides of the listening coin.  The experience from a year earlier placed me on the other side of the table.  Instead of being the listener, I was the one being listened to . . . i.e. the listenee .

Enter the Listenee

I went through a divorce in January of 2008.  As divorces go, this one would register as mild on the divorce-o-meter , whereas some friends of mine have hit the three mile island mark.  The higher your divorce registers on that scale, the lower your life expectancy!  It’s unfortunate how much negativity people will direct at one another when things don’t work out as planned.  Fortunately, our divorce exhibited many of the great qualities our marriage enjoyed:  civility, respect, love and unselfishness.  Despite being a drama free process, it still hit me really hard.

My former wife and I were married for nine years and have a daughter together.  She was my best friend and ending our marriage put me into a state of depression.  It felt like the closest person in the world to me had just died.  I leaned on close friends and family for support and had one experience which was especially memorable.

A friend and I enjoyed having lunch together and would often go to this Indian buffet.  We always enjoyed each others company and usually ate way too much food!  Sometimes I would talk about the divorce and what I was going through emotionally.  Since we were at a buffet, I had plenty of time to really express myself and as I did, an interesting thing would regularly occur.

Picture this . . . I’m pouring my heart out as I’m devouring some chicken tikka masala and a medley of vegetables.  I’d setup this moment (maybe unconsciously) in the conversation where a response from my friend seemed most appropriate and he would do the most interesting thing.

Right in that moment where it would seem almost anyone else would offer some advice, give a suggestion, share a related experience or even an expletive . . . something, he responded in a way that was unexpected and unique.  He would just sit there with me, quietly in that moment, listening.  I mean really listening.  Aside from the acknowledgements that he was hearing what I said, he rarely responded.  Occasionally he would ask a question that would require me to dig a little deeper into a particular thought or emotion, but for the most part, he sat there attentively listening.  I was immediately aware of how different this felt.  At the time, I could only characterize it as noteworthy.  It took some time and reflection to understand that I was experiencing the art of listening.

He sat there with me, even during those "awkward moments of silence".  The importance of those moments is so clear now.  I was forced (more accurately, I was passively encouraged) to be in that moment and really deal with the emotion I was feeling.  He made it easy for me to sit there with my feelings, without having to worry about keeping pace with a conversation or being distracted by some other subject on the stream of consciousness.  If felt like someone pushed a really big pause button.  I was given the space & time to process and reflect so that the personal growth that needed to happen, could begin to occur naturally.  I couldn’t run from it or cover it up with negative rationalizations.  I had to just be.  It was powerful.

The Contrast

So now I have described both sides of this coin.  When I was the listener, I felt compelled to offer my friend some advice.  I honestly don’t know if that was the best thing to do, but I couldn’t help myself.  It was instinct . . . I just wanted to do whatever I could to help.  More accurately, I wanted to solve the problem.

When I was the listenee , I benefited from the company of a friend who wasn’t compelled to offer advice, but rather to facilitate me solving my own problems, at my own pace.

It’s hard to know if these two situations should have unfolded any differently, but sometimes people need to discover a truth in their own time and in their own way.  When we give someone the answers, they’re less likely to learn the lesson.  In situations involving intense emotions, people just aren’t ready for the information, even if it’s the exact information they need.  It’s just like middle school.  Those kids who cheated off your paper may have passed the test, but they didn’t really learn what they needed to learn.

I feel that the art of listening is something we are losing as a society.  Everything is so fast paced.  We are taught to be focused on the outcome, so most people just try to skip to the end.  We lose sight of the process, the journey.  Ultimately this social conditioning influences how we relate to one another as well.  We want to solve other people’s problems; find the answer and wrap it up in a neat little digestible packet.  Plus we want it to fit into the fifteen minute window we have scheduled for our morning mocha, so the plan for the day doesn’t get screwed up.

We have a hard time being.  We have a hard time listening.  Don’t be afraid to share the uncomfortable silence with someone.

"Always remember that seclusion is the price of greatness. Walk in silence; go quietly; develop spirituality. We should not allow noise and sensory activities to ruin the antennae of our attention, because we are listening for the footsteps of God to come into our temples."

- Paramahansa Yogananda
Indian Yogi and Guru

Related posts:

1. Grey Matters: An Alive Mind I remember in high school being "counseled" on choosing a...
2. 16 Four Letter Words That’ll Change Your Life! Word #1 Ahhh, four letter words!! What a gift to the spoken...
3. 16 Four Letter Words That’ll Change Your Life! Word #3 Ahhh, four letter words!! What a gift to the spoken...