Ahhh, four letter words!!  What a gift to the spoken & written word.  Sometimes there’s just no substitute for a four letter word . . . no substitute for expression perfectionized !  I’m sure your mind can instantly replay a moment that could be the commercial for why four letter words exist.  This 16 part series takes a look at 16 four letter words that will change your life.   So let’s dive right in . . . Word #1 »

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Word #1:  Soul

I know what you’re thinking:  “He didn’t ease into this one!  He came right out the gates with a real whopper!”  You speak (think) the truth.  In my young life, my learning and experiences have led me to believe that spirituality is as diverse a subject as any.  On one hand, an overwhelming percentage of the human population believes in the existence of something greater than ourselves.  On the other hand, that homogeny of belief is a potpourri of perspectives.

We approach and experience spirituality through many lenses, including:

• Religion
• Metaphysics
• Quantum Physics
• Mysticism
• Mythology
• And so many others

Regardless of the lens, a common soul-like concept (though the labels vary) seems to exist.

So, what is a soul?

When I think of the concept “soul”, my mind instantly jumps to a quote I’ve often heard:

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Teilhard de Chardin
French Jesuit & Philosopher

So if this statement from Chardin is true, then my initial question is somewhat flawed, don’t you think?  If’ we’re spiritual beings then our soul is actually a “who”, not a “what”.  Our bodies and all of the material things of this world are the “what”.

Ultimately I believe that the search for spiritual truth is the most personal journey one can embark on.  My only advice to you would be to give it your all and always seek truth.

I accept Chardin’s statement as part of my truth and wish you love & understanding on the journey towards yours!

“You are a little soul carrying around a corpse.”

- Epictetus
Stoic Philosopher

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I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s mind boggling to think about how complex some of my relationships have been and are.  Not complex in the Jerry Springer sense; but complex like a big ole emotionally, interdependent omelet with all the fixins . . . generous portions of love, vulnerability, hope, social conditioning, fear, idealism . . . a couple dashes of selfishness and a few scoops of emotional baggage too, just to make sure the recipe has that special somethin’ somethin’! 

Every now and then one of those relationships will prompt my mind to take my heart for a couple few laps on the emotional roller coaster.  Thoughts and emotions are quite the dynamic duo when sharing the same focus! 

Whenever those two jokers bully me into taking a ride, I feel like I’m in a semi-paralyzed state.  It doesn’t seem to matter how busy I am . . . I’m almost always certain to give this beast the time and attention it desires.  I am helplessly taken down the stream of emotional consciousness, even if the memories have blurred a little or the intensity of the feelings has started to fade.

The crazy thing is that this phenomenon isn’t just limited to romantic relationships.  A wise man once told me that family drama is the most dramatic kind there is.  Amen to that!

Sometimes those emotories (i.e emotionally charged memories) can be overwhelming and make you wish you could go back to “that place” or relive “that moment”.  Come on now, you know what I’m talking about!  You imagine being back in that situation, back in that moment and yet some how be a slightly different version of yourself.  Maybe things might have turned out differently if you could have said this or done that.  Or maybe you just want to put all your ingredients in the omelet again and give it another go.

Either way, you can never really “go back”.  Even if you recreate the situation or revisit the relationship, no one involved can be who they were.  What you would experience now (whether good or bad) can only be “what it is” and never again “what it was”.  This truth shouldn’t be viewed as a deterrent, just something else to consider and sprinkle on the omelet should you decide to go all in, again.

I digress . . .

Get off the Ride Already!

Unlike regular roller coasters, emotional ones don’t seem to have as much structure.  When you go to an amusement park seeking a thrill, you look around and pick out the roller coaster you want to ride.  Then you wait in line and watch intently as you inch towards the front.  This gives you plenty of time to scope out the ups and downs . . . to prepare yourself for that spiraling loop or the big drop.  You check out the body language of the people getting off.  You’re nervous, excited and wondering if hitting that buffet on the way over was such a good idea.  But all in all you know how it’s going to go and how long it’s going to last. 

Emotional roller coasters aren’t quite so tidy.  There’s no line, so you might get bum rushed and be on one in a moment’s notice.  Once you’re on, there’s no telling how long you’ll be there or how many loops, drops, twists and turns there’ll be. 

So if you want to get off the sucker, give this method a try:

Focus on something you’re passionate about. . . something that challenges and regenerates you as it frees your mind from the paralysis.  Then engage in a process that provides understanding.

For me, the tandem that fits the bill:  golf and writing. 

I’ve played and excelled at a lot of sports in my life, but Golf is the most challenging by far.  Like life, it is a unique experience every time.  In order to play my best, I have to maintain a level of mental focus that makes it difficult for me to think of anything else.  When I achieve this state, it’s almost meditative.  However, I find that golf isn’t a long term solution to bringing the roller coaster to a halt, especially when it’s raging hard and fast.  That’s where writing comes in.

Writing helps me come at things from another angle altogether and compliments the temporary relief that golf offers.  Golf provides me with the space and opportunity to stop obsessing about things . . . in essence giving me something more enjoyable to obsess about.  Writing on the other hand, helps me understand things so that I don’t have to obsess about them any longer.  When I write (especially about emotional subjects), I find that I achieve a clarity that “thinking/remembering” just doesn’t offer. 

Keep in mind (no pun intended) that these emotories can be pretty disorienting because honestly, the mind isn’t the best playback device.  It’s more like a TiVo with unlimited storage that would work great if only someone hadn’t spilled water on it.  It’ll skip all around the movie, playing stuff in the most random order!  It’ll play some parts backwards or queue up scenes that couldn’t possibly go together.  It’ll play other parts over and over with the volume way up and then leave out a bunch of really important scenes altogether.  If anyone else were watching the “You Movie” they’d be confused as hell and have a headache once it was all over! 

Writing helps me piece together this jumbled up blob of ideas, memories, facts and emotions into something sensible.  It helps me expand upon concepts and then reflect upon and refine that expansion.  If offers me two-dimensional order and sequence that my 3-D “TiVo on the fritz” can’t seem to manage.

So what tools do you leverage?  What are the “emergency roller coaster brakes” in your bag of tricks? 

If you don’t have a “go to” show stopper, consider trying some of the following:  meditation/prayer, yoga, painting, golf, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, poker . . . hell, I don’t know?!  Just keep trying new things until you find something that clears the fog and leaves you with peace of mind.  Here’s a tip, make sure it’s something you enjoy! 

The goal isn’t to avoid emotional roller coasters (or the relationships that inspire & fuel them), but rather to have a mechanism to get off the damn thing when you’re good & ready and to be a better you at the end of the ride!

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."

- Fritz Perls
German Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

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Occasionally I spend quality time on a web site, that a friend shared with me, called Intent.com.  The concept is pretty simple . . . people can freely join the web site to post their intentions and be encouraged by other members of the site as they hold those intentions throughout the days and weeks. 

I occasionally post my own intentions, but more often than not, spend time reading the intentions of others as a source of inspiration and to broaden my thinking about the intentions I have for my life.  I came across an intention the other day that literally stopped me in my tracks.  A woman wrote, and I quote:

My Intent is [to] accept the anger i feel over my daughter’s death, then let it go.

WOW!  I just had to sit there with that one for a while.  It weighed heavily on my heart because, as a parent of a daughter, I felt that I could imagine what she must be going through.  In reality, what I imagined I would feel, wouldn’t likely hold a candle to what I might actually feel if I were really in that situation nor to what this mother is actually feeling now.  I was stunned nonetheless.

When I got over the emotional shock and thought more about her intention, I realized that there was a very deep power within her words.  As I read it over and over again, I noticed that the word that stood out more than any other was “accept”. 

This is a rather extreme example of the surprises life can bring our way, but I believe that whether we feel good or bad about the surprises, our job is to accept that they are.  In other words, to accept that the surprises are part of our experience.

Get Stingy with Acceptance!

I know what you’re thinking . . . “Hello . . . McFly, didn’t you just tell me that my job is to be more accepting?  Then why are you telling me now (as in 3 seconds later) that I should get stingy with acceptance?!” 

Great observation, but let me explain.

I’m a big advocate for living a life based on appreciation, generosity and abundance.  I believe that giving is the essence of love, so don’t let the heading for this section make you frown for too long.  Stinginess is not an enlightened way of being, but we do need to be careful that we’re not accepting just any ole thing. 

As we wrestle with accepting what is, we must develop awareness of our propensity to sometimes accept what isn’t.  In my life, there have been periods when I’ve wrongly accepted what isn’t and incorporated those thoughts, feelings and beliefs into my being. 

When I was a child, I accepted that having an African name was somehow not a good thing, because many of the other kids often made fun of it. 

When I was married, I accepted that the way my wife chose to express her love to me was inadequate because it didn’t align perfectly with how I wanted to receive it.

When we’re in those crucial moments, reconciling what we think, feel and experience, how can we better determine if something is or isn’t? 

Look at the phrases accept what is and accept what isn’t.  What’s the implied word that would complete each statement?  Here’s a hint, it’s one of those really good four letter words.  The word is . . . TRUE.

If truth is what we’re ultimately seeking, then we need to realize that we actually have a choice.  We have the ability to choose to accept what is over what isn’t . . . to choose to see truth in our lives instead of accepting the falsehoods we’ve been conditioned to believe.

Those falsehoods can be mighty convincing though, so try this exercise to help you see them for what they are.  Whenever you feel yourself struggling with a new thought, feeling or belief (or if you want to examine existing ones), simply ask yourself the following:

“Is it true?” 

Be honest with yourself and take your time with it.  If you can’t know for sure that what you think, feel or believe is true, you may have discovered the root of your struggle and can then decide whether or not it’s worth holding on to it.

By questioning what we think, feel and believe we can shift our approach to this world to one where our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are based on truth instead of our truths being based on our thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

It wasn’t true that my name was a bad thing or even something that I actually felt bad about.  What was true was that, like most kids, I wanted to fit in.  Today I marvel at and appreciate the thought that went into naming me.  The meaning that my name carries has become a large part of my identity, simultaneously reinforcing my uniqueness and my connection to my ancestry.  My name is one of my favorite things about me!

It also wasn’t true that my former wife’s love was inadequate or in any way less than complete.  What was true was that we both loved each other to the best of our ability in every moment.  Today I understand that my job is not to judge someone else’s expression, but to accept & appreciate all of the love I receive and love myself with reckless abandon!

So live your life!  Seek truth in all you do and accept that life is a helluva dynamic ride!!  Truth be with you.

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true."

- Soren Kierkegaard
Danish Philosopher and Theologian

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