In a word, EVERYTHING!!!! If you don’t think love is pretty crucial to any meaningful emotional relationship, then I need to hear from you, because I’m certain to learn something! Don’t get me wrong, there’s all kinds of other stuff that’s important too: trust, kindness, respect, forgiveness, etc. But let’s not lose sight of the big picture, loving relationships need love. So if we can all agree to that, then why do so many relationships (of all kinds) seem to be in such turmoil??
[Photo Credit]
Here’s my take on it. I believe that a major contributor to the demise of loving relationships is the demise of loving relationships. I know, you’re like HUH??? Let me explain.
Throughout my life I have observed and experienced a truism: people often learn by modeling what they see. Think back to when you were a child. You watched your parents, siblings, other family members and friends with a keen eye: observing speech patterns, posture, gestures, manners, good/bad habits, interpersonal skills . . . all kinds of stuff! As you developed and matured, you incorporated many of the things you observed into your own persona, some aspects more dominant than others. Those experiences and relationships helped shape who you are and how you interact with people.
I developed much of my world view from conversations with my dad, learned how to cook & give really good hugs from my mom (trust me, some don’t possess the true hugging skills!) and ultimately learned how to share with others from interactions with siblings and friends.
So what does all of this have to do with loving relationships? It seems to me that many people simply aren’t exposed to enough examples of relationships that are loving. I’m referring to relationships of all kinds here: parental, familial, romantic, plutonic, etc.
Think about it, we love mimicking what we see. So it goes to reason that if what we observe in the relationships in our lives doesn’t quite measure up as “loving”, then there’s a good chance we’ll develop some proficiency in those less than loving ways of being.
Think about the following:
- There are more & more children growing up in single parent homes
- Domestic violence is at an all time high
- Child abuse and neglect is rising at tragic rates
- Divorces are commonplace in today’s families
The info above could easily provoke a streak of pessimism in the best of us, especially since these stats only speak to issues that occur in our immediate family environments and not to the many examples of negative human relations we observe in greater society.
So how can we be expected to excel at loving relationships when we just don’t see them? What’s worse is that the above stats show that we’re not just dealing with the growing absence of loving relationships, we’re also dealing with the presence of more and more non loving ones. What do we do?
Start Within
Remember that song “Let There Be Peace on Earth”? Part of one verse goes like this:
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. . .
Imagine if each person on this earth were at peace with and truly loved themselves. Hell, I’d even settle for half! How might the world be different? How might our relationships be different? What would we have created in place of: war, famine, abuse, torture, neglect, hatred, bigotry, genocide, racism, and on and on? What might we create in place of these obvious indicators of our state of sub-love?
Wouldn’t that be a marvelous picture?
It’s hard to imagine how we can get from where we are to where we want to be, but I know where one might start. Love yourself! Do this with the wholeheartedness and voracity you display when you eat your favorite food or when you do something you really love! Love who you are! Forgive the mistakes you’ve made! Embrace all of the wonderfully imperfect and unique qualities you possess! Getting there is the first step in breaking the cycle.
Breaking the Cycle . . . Give
I truly believe that giving is the essence of love and essential to breaking this cycle of demise. I looked up the word “give” in Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary and there were a surprising number of definitions. Some were kinda interesting. My definition of giving is this:
Give: To make available unconditionally
I didn’t see a definition quite like that, but that’s what comes to mind when I think of giving. That unconditional part is the real differentiator for me. Without that it’s not giving, it’s an investment; and investors always expect a return.
Here’s the trouble . . . most people are in investor mode unknowingly because they haven’t quite mastered loving themselves first. Therefore their acts of giving are a kin to deficit spending . . . they give from a posture of need; expecting something in return even if they don’t realize it.
Giving isn’t about getting anything in return. It’s about offering what you have because you possess it in abundance. Giving should leave you with a feeling that you’ve spent nothing. You might actually feel like you’ve gained something even though you approached the situation without that expectation.
To break the cycle, we need to love ourselves, be more giving to others and ultimately create more loving relationships. We must be the love we want to see in this world.
"If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great amount of things that you lack. If you don’t have it, nothing else will matter."
- Leo Buscaglia
Professor, Author and Lecturer
Related posts:
G,
Your blog, as usual, is very well written (kudos). In terms of your content, I can say that I appreciate your statements, suggestions and conclusions. However, I ask…what suggestions do you have on breaking these loveless cycles? If we mimic the negative relationships that most of us witness and, understandably, never truly plan on fully investing in another…then what steps can be done to get closer to these meaningful emotional relationships?
In short, I imagine, a wise Investor holds back realizing that there could possibly be a rainy day.
J., thank you for your comment and for posting such a great question. I believe that to break the cycle we have to introduce new ones. People who experience negativity in relationships (especially early in life) are changed by those experiences and often repeat some form of the behavior they observed/experienced. There are definitely exceptions to this, but this is a reality nonetheless.
So we begin by loving ourselves and being more giving. That helps us in our current relationships. Then I believe that we can also be the new examples of loving relationships that those who follow us will mimic. I think that’s how we change the world, one relationship at a time . . . starting new cycles.
It’s refreshing to see people dialoging about Love! Being loving and giving is our natural state. It is the how and the what of all that is. As spiritual/energetic beings having a human experience we have to simply remember and reconnect with this Truth.
As humans we consume ourselves with the realities of life which only represent about 5% (some say 1%) of the Ultimate Reality. Our experiences, upbringing etc are just filters and fortunately we have the choice to remove those filters and live fully into the Love that already is!
Thank you Geuka for creating space for and community among those that seek Truth!
Mattice, thank you for your kinds words and thoughtful response to this article.
Mattice wrote:
“Being loving and giving is our natural state. It is the how and the what of all that is. As spiritual/energetic beings having a human experience we have to simply remember and reconnect with this Truth.”
Couldn’t have said it better!
WOW!!! Geuka, I must say that you are the man! And being that you know me I mean that with the utmost respect and appreciation for who you are and what you are doing with this “community” that you have created for all to have a peak into your insight on the different subjects that you choose to share with us. Thank you thank you and thank you! Bravo sir.
I have to agree with you, “Start Within…” I really appeciate this because I too had to learn this lesson in a big way recently, forgiveness of oneself is crucial in this process of “loving” yourself. Once I learned this and really came to an understanding of it I was able to see and understand things much more clearer.
I could go on and on about this but I will not. Just thank you for this article. Keep up the good work that you do. Take care and take charge.
“Bagger Vance”
Thank you for the kind words Bagger. I am happy that my writing is enjoyed and valued. This community is what it is because people like you decide to share and participate. Thank you again.
So Geuka I am back from my break. I wanted to give others a chance before I hogged the conversation. But I will be concise this time. In my opinion personal growth require ruthless honesty with one’s self. I have to be able to shatter the false images I create for myself and look at who I really am but to do this I have to be very forgiving and accepting of myself and of others. Thus as everyone seems to be saying, self-love and love of others go hand in hand.
Geuka! I have been meaning to read your blogs for several months now. This morning as munched on breakfast and sipped coffee in an attempt to avoid exercising, I began to read. I love this stuff and appreciate the depth and sensitivity you are sharing with us, especially as a man. (Sorry, guys if you are one of the “I can express my thoughts and emotions type” many of of your compadres are not. So you are an inspirator, instigator and role-model. I agree that a great place to start is to love ones self. To Dan’s point, a most important step in personal growth is self-awareness. You gotta be bold enough to look at yourself with careful scrutiny to identify your self-defeating patterns (ie, it’s not always everyone else who has the problem), become aware of what triggers then, and have a plan to do something different. So often we speak in “nots”. EG, “I am not going to lose my temper with my children any more.” But we can’t really do a “not”. We just create a void. Active, conscious choices take us to the next level of consciousness and coping. Cheers! Keep up the great work.
Dan, thank you as always for what you add to the conversation. Your comments are much appreciated and are right in line with my article titled “Life is Dynamic!“. I’d love to hear your comments on that one too.
I have a question for you. It seems to me (Janet touched on this in her comment as well) that self-awareness is a challenging and often dormant process for many. What’s a good mechanism for achieving and remaining in this state?
Janet, Thank you for your comment. I really loved the part when you said:
But we can’t really do a “not”…
I think that’s such a powerful way of looking at things. I love it! Thank you for sharing!
Your post inspired me… I think I feel an essay coming on!
Sounds interesting Janet. Please do share [smile]!
Well, Geuka, you asked what a good mechanism is for achieving and remaining in a state of self awareness. The caveat to my answer is that you must allow me the grace to preach what I don’t always practice.
One method goes back thousands of years and is practiced by several mystical traditions. The practitioner attempts to achieve stillness or centering every day for at least 30 minutes or more. This is done by getting in a comfortable position, relaxing and closing one’s eyes. The goal is let the mind slow down until the thoughts stop. One stays in the moment and tries to maintain an empty mind. Variations involve simply focusing on one’s breathing. With a disciplined approach over time this simple exercise can begin to liberate a person from the tyranny of their emotions and reactionary thoughts.
I could go on but the technical aspects of this are best investigated through those who are experts on the subject. Similar practices are found among yoga practitioners, Christian mystics, Buddhists and those who study bio-feedback. Sometimes it is simply referred to as relaxation techniques but I would argue that it is much more than that. In the mystical tradition it is a slow dissolving away of the artificial shell we have built up over time because of hurts, disappointments and conflicts. The problem with this shell is that we mistake it for reality. True reality is richer and fuller than this shell even as it is shared with all over living creatures. Getting in touch with this reality can make us more forgiving of ourselves and others setting us free for growth and incite.